Careless Rebellion
by stormprophecy18
Summary: Harry is sick of being treated like a child and having all his decisions made for him. He takes things into his own hands, but this leads him down a spiral of bad choices. Can anyone stop Harry before it gets too far? Set in the summer after 5th year and follows on to 6th year. Contains drinking/smoking/drugs/strong language. No slash. Follows canon.
1. Chapter 1

_Warnings: This story contains strong language, underage drinking and smoking, and drug use in later chapters_

Harry sighed as he stared up at his peeling beige ceiling. The enclosed room had few pieces of furniture, and the walls were bare, making the room look unlived in. He had only been back from Hogwarts for 3 weeks, but it felt like years to him. He had stopped eating the measly meals his Aunt made him cook, and he barely slept more than a couple of hours a night. However he didn't want to sleep, as his dreams were always the same. Sirius coming out of the veil, telling him he was a failure and that was the reason Sirius had died. Cedric, the look on his face as the killing curse was cast. Harry hated that dream; he could almost feel the guilt inside him swallow him up. Harry hated feeling like this, but he knew it wasn't his entire fault. If Dumbledore hadn't tried to protect him, Harry would have known to not have gone running to the Ministry. Dumbledore was one of the most powerful wizards in the world, but his common sense was not to the same standard. Harry had found out that Snape had spoken to Sirius through the floo after he had warned Snape; why hadn't the man sent him a message! Harry couldn't help but feel it was due to the dislike between Sirius and Snape. Harry remembered the anger he had felt in Dumbledore's office that night he had found out everything that had been kept from him. Since he had been back from Hogwarts he was feeling those emotions more frequently, in particular at all the adults he thought he could trust but had in fact let him down. Harry didn't know how easily he could forgive Dumbledore this time after everything that had happened to him in the last year, especially as he forced him back into this hellhole year after year. He was broken out of his deliberations by a high pitched screech

"HARRY! GET DOWN HERE NOW"

He sighed and pulled himself up, grabbing his glasses and pushing them on to his face. It was only 7 but his aunt would be expecting him to make breakfast for his uncle and his cousin. His Aunt and Uncle were shorter tempered with him than ever before thanks to the ever helpful order members threatening the Dursleys. He stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed the bacon and eggs from the fridge. Unlike most mornings his aunt acknowledged his existence

'I'm taking Dudders to London with his friends, and we'll be gone all day. You are to get on with your chores and don't you dare touch anything you aren't supposed to!'

He raised his eyebrows 'I have no intention of touching anything'

His aunt gave him a filthy look and stomped upstairs to get the laundry. Since being back this year Harry had stopped giving a fuck about his relatives, he had bigger things to worry about and being almost 16 his Uncle had stopped shoving him around. Plus with all the anger he felt towards Dumbledore being able to let it out to people who deserved it didn't bother him. Breakfast was a normal affair, with his aunt constantly criticising him and his uncle and cousin yelling at him to hurry up. Thankfully after cooking breakfast he was able to collapse back on to his bed, but his thoughts of Sirius staring becoming overwhelming so he grabbed the sheet with his chores on and walked out to the back garden to start mowing the lawn.

A few hours and 5 jobs later Harry was relieved to find he only had to do one more job, which was clean Dudley's room. He hated this job, Dudley's room was always a mess and he always had it back to a tip within a few days. As Harry started to pick up clothes to put back in the wardrobe, he noticed a small wooden box in the bottom of the wardrobe. His curiosity getting the better of him, he opened it up and found two packets of cigarettes, as well as 6 or 7 different lighters. Harry wasn't particularly surprised his cousin was smoking, as he was often out late and terrorising other kids in the area. One of the packets was half empty, and Harry wasn't sure what possessed him to do it, but he took out one of the cigarettes and a lighter and put it in his pocket. He assumed it was the fact that he was simply curious and bored of being at the Dursleys, and doubted he would even smoke it.

As he finished putting away the last of Dudley's clothes he heard a car pull into the drive, and sighed as he would he spending another evening shut up in his room with no food and nothing to entertain him.

A/N: Hope everyone liked the first chapter, I'm trying to start off with some character development and I want to try and keep the characters as canon as possible. Snape will also be introduced in the next chapters! This is my first fic and first time properly writing so any reviews would be appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

After spending hours that night tossing and turning trying to fall asleep, Harry was disrupted by a large barn owl, which was tapping on his window and looking irritable that they hadn't been let in yet. Harry pushed his glasses on and sat up to open the window, letting the mild summer night cool his skin. The owl handed him a letter, and he noticed it had the Hogwarts seal. Harry wondered if it was his OWL results, but they were not due for a few more weeks so he relaxed. Ripping it open he read the letter

'Dear Harry,

I hope you are well and you have are having an enjoyable summer whilst taking advantage of the break to study for your upcoming NEWT courses. After discussing how best to prepare you for the future, it has been decided that it would be in your best interests to restart occlumency, which Professor Snape has agreed would be beneficial for you. He will be coming to Privet Drive Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9AM. Please remember to keep yourself out of trouble and be responsible.

Professor Dumbledore'

Harry felt his stomach squeeze as if it had a large weight pressing down on it as he re-read the letter. He hated the fact he was going to have to see the man that was partly responsible for Sirius's death in his house, twice a week. Harry could scream at the way he had no choice in the decision, how Dumbledore knew he hated the man and Snape hated him, yet still tried to force them to get along. What Harry hated most was how Dumbledore had acted as if his life hadn't been completely shit for the past few months, and hadn't even asked if he was okay.

'Fuck, fuck, FUCK. Fuck Dumbledore, fuck Snape, and fuck occlumency'

Harry swore loudly as he kicked his foot against his bed. What a fucking joke, Harry couldn't understand why he kept getting forced into the shittiest decisions. None of his other friends had to have tutoring from their most hated professor in the summer. Harry noticed in particular the last line. He could also hear Dumbledore's patronising, condescending voice as he had written it. Something snapped inside of Harry.

'Fuck off Dumbledore, I'm not going to be your innocent golden boy, I'm going to show you I'm an adult and I can be as irresponsible as I want'

Harry grabbed the cigarette and the lighter off the rickety desk next to his window, and put the narrow tube between lips, due to the fact his relatives hadn't thought to leave him with any water. He fumbled with the lighter, not sure what he was doing, and just knowing he needed a release, a form of liberation, freedom. As he caught the tip of the cigarette on the flame from the plastic lighter, he quickly inhaled and exhaled the thick smoke and wrinkled his nose at the smell of the smoke as it drifted up his nose and into his eyes. He had seen and heard on various TV programs of Dudley's about how to inhale a cigarette, so he had some idea of what he was doing, but the cigarette felt clumsy in his hand. However he felt his mind calm and his muscles relax as he took another drag on the cigarette. He was surprised by how much he liked it and that it had such a quick effect on his body, but for those 5 minutes; inhaling and exhaling quietly out his windowsill in the middle of a summer night, for those 5 minutes nothing else in the world mattered.

He stubbed it out on the window ledge and flung the butt out onto the pavement. He continued to stare outside into the peaceful night, feeling relaxed and calm, and all his anger having been exhaled along with the smoke. Harry liked the idea of having something temporary to take away his troubles and anger, and in the back of his mind he mused about getting more cigarettes. However for now he knew he should try and get at least a few hours sleep, as his aunt would be rattling his door in a few hours time so he could start his daily routine. He lay back down on his bed and fell into a dreamless sleep, one of the very few he had been able to have since Cedric died a year ago.

A/N: Hope everyone likes chapter! I'm going to try uploading shorter chapters every few days as I find that easier than writing longer chapters, and this way I'm able to write more often :) any reviews are really appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

As Harry got on with his daily routine of cooking breakfast for his relatives, he considered whether he should tell them that his potions professor would be visiting their house tomorrow. However he decided to let Snape deal with them, as it wasn't exactly a wanted visitor and it would only cause an argument, which would most likely result in Harry being locked in his room without food all day. As he slowly walked back up the gloomy staircase to his room, Harry thought about smoking again. He had loved the fact it had given him a small amount of freedom and rebellion against Dumbledore, and after losing almost everyone that cared about him he decided he should be allowed his own coping mechanism. The only problem Harry had was that he wasn't even sixteen yet, and it was illegal for him to buy them. Harry assumed that because of Dudley's height and build he could pass for eighteen, where as Harry was scrawny and small thanks to being underfed. For a brief moment Harry considered confunding a shopkeeper but quickly disregarded that idea, as he didn't need another incident at the Ministry. Suddenly Harry remembered that he could simply use his invisibility cloak, as his uncle hadn't even attempted to take away his possessions this year. Grabbing the cloak and the lighter from inside his trunk, he then prised up the loose floorboard in order to get money. Ever since he had been 11 and able to get his own money he had hidden it, as he didn't trust his cousin to not go rummaging through his things. Harry took £10, as he wasn't sure how much cigarettes cost, but he assumed it would be enough. He knew that he was technically taking them, but he believed stealing was wrong and so he wanted to leave money.

He ambled back downstairs, and in doing so caught the attention of his aunt

'Where do you think you're going' Petunia snapped at him

'Out for a walk, I'll be back later'

He slammed the door shut behind him, ignoring his aunts screeching that he had chores to do.

'Fuck that', he thought to himself. He had learnt to ignore his relatives yelling at him, and it didn't have any effect on him as he only ever felt anger around them regardless.

Harry wondered down the quiet streets towards town. In Little Whinging there were never any children playing on the streets, and only the occasional person mowing their front lawn. The sun beat down on his neck, and the slight breeze causing the trees to rustle was the only noise apart from the faraway hum of car engines. He quickly stopped off in an alleyway outside the corner shop and threw the cloak over himself, then stood outside the door to wait for someone to leave. As a middle aged woman pushed open the door Harry quickly jammed his foot against it and then slipped inside. He noticed the old shopkeeper sitting just in front of the rows of cigarettes that lined the wall, and realised he would have to create a diversion. As he walked to the back of the shop he stopped by the shelves of alcohol. He wondered whether the alcohol could also help him to relax and stop his mind from over thinking, and even if it didn't it was worth trying, just as another fuck you to Dumbledore if nothing else. Harry quickly grabbed a litre bottle of vodka off the shelf and then with his free hand, pushed some juice cartons onto the floor. He then walked quickly back to the front of the shop as the shopkeeper stood up to go and clear up the 'freak' accident. Harry couldn't help but smile to himself at the success of his plan, despite it being rather basic. He then turned his attention to the variety of different cigarette packets on the shelf, and unsure what the difference was between them, took the first one he saw. As he ran out the shop he could feel his heart drumming against his chest and his adrenaline levels rising, and he loved the euphoric feeling of breaking rules and doing something exciting that he was in control of, which was a new feeling for him. He stopped off in the park that was a few streets away from Privet Drive and leaning against a tree in the cool shade, pulled out a cigarette from the packet. Even after the first inhale he felt the nicotine rush to his head and release all the tension he was feeling over Dumbledore, Snape and his relatives. Harry loved the feeling; he could understand why people found it addictive. Thirty minutes and two more cigarettes later, Harry made his way back to Privet Drive, where he spent the rest of the day locked in his bedroom as he had refused to do any chores. Harry stared at himself in the cracked mirror in his room. He had already started losing weight due to his relatives barely allowing him more than one meal a day. Fortunately Harry didn't care this year, as his lack of sleep and his depression over Sirius meant he didn't even want to eat, but he still found it odd how quickly his bones started showing through his skin and his face became more sallow and taunt.

As he lay back down on to his bed he groaned loudly as he remembered that it was Tuesday tomorrow, meaning he would be having his first occlumency lesson of the summer. He pushed his face even further into his mattress as he imagined Snape yelling at him for still being unable to block any attacks, and most likely making snide comments and his family and bedroom. Feeling a knot in his stomach, Harry fell into an uneasy dream, the last thought on his mind was hope that Snape had forgotten all about their private tutoring sessions.

A/N: Literally as I was writing this I found out Alan Rickman had died and I'm so gutted, RIP to a brilliant actor :( next update will be in the next few days, all reviews are appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry yawned and stretched out his body as the soft morning light bathed his room in bright sunlight. Although he hated being back with his relatives, he did enjoy the peaceful mornings the Dursleys woke up. However he groaned again when he realised that Snape would be in his room in only a couple of hours, and Harry knew for a fact the man would not even be a minute later than 9. He slowly got up and started getting ready, making sure to wear one of Dudley's bigger hoodies to hide he had lost weight, as knowing Snape he would probably make a snide remark about him attention seeking. Harry prayed that Snape wouldn't mention Sirius, as he couldn't bear to even think about him without the risk of his emotions coming to the surface, which would only be one more thing Snape would use against him. He went downstairs to start cooking breakfast, during which his aunt and uncle had a 5 minute conversation about how scruffy and tatty he was looking, and how he shouldn't be allowed out in case the neighbours saw him. Harry was used to them talking about him as if he wasn't there and simply rolled his eyes as he washed the grease off the plates. As 9 drew closer he started feeling more tense and on edge, and quickly escaped from his aunt before he had to explain why he hadn't started his chores. As he sat nervously reading ' _Quidditch through the ages_ ' he held his breath as his watch beeped 9. Not 10 seconds later he heard a sharp knock at the door. He decided to let Aunt Petunia open the door, partly because he wanted to see her reaction to another wizard in her house, and because he wanted to spend as little time with Snape as possible. As he heard his aunt's footsteps rushing to the door Harry crept out on to the landing to listen to their conversation. He watched as she plastered a fake smile on her face and pulled the door open

'Hello, ca- YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!' Harry hadn't expected his aunt to be happy, but he felt his mouth open in surprise, as she had spoken to Snape as if they had met before. Harry leant in slightly closer so as to see Snape's reaction.

'I see age has not improved your manners then Tuney. Trust me it gives me no pleasure to be here' Snape's slow, threatening voice echoed around the hallway, as Petunia's mouth tightened and she drew herself up to full height.

'You still haven't answered my question Snape, what are you doing here'

'So I see your nephew hasn't bothered to inform you that I will be tutoring him twice a week. If you have an issue with that I suggest you contact Dumbledore, as I can assure you being here wasn't a voluntary decision and I don't need to listen to your incessant complaining'

By this point Harry had no idea what was going on. He had never heard anyone refer to his Aunt as Tuney, and he couldn't see why Snape would have had any interaction with a muggle, or in fact with anyone outside Hogwarts. He knew better than to bother ask Snape or his aunt about it, so pushed the thought to the back of his mind. He realised that he was going to have to go downstairs at some point, so pushed his hair back and tried to relax as he started walking down the stairs.

'Potter, I see you've finally decided to stop being a layabout and join us. Pray tell, was there a reason you decided to not inform your family you were having these sessions?'

Harry shrugged. 'There wouldn't have been any point, and anyway it doesn't concern them'

Snape's mouth tightened slightly and he narrowed his eyes. 'Your arrogance seems to only be getting worse Potter. I want to get this lesson over with as soon as possible so stop standing there looking gormless and hurry up'

As Harry turned to go back up the stairs his aunt gave him a look that suggested his uncle would be hearing about this when he got home. However Harry couldn't find any reason to care, even though he knew he would be punished he always felt numb, so being locked in his room would make no difference either way. As Harry started to walk nonchalantly up the stairs Snape took a moment to look around at the beige hallway. There were photos of the son and husband of Petunia but no pictures of her nephew. He had also noticed the way Petunia had looked at Potter when he had come downstairs. Snape rolled his eyes, he didn't give a damn about Potter's home life and the boy was clearly fine otherwise Dumbledore would have had him removed. Before Snape had apparated to Little Whinging Dumbledore had told him that Potter hadn't been writing to his friends, and that he was not to mention Black, no matter how irritating the brat got. He had even wanted Severus to ask how Potter was, but he had outright refused as he couldn't stand the boy and certainly didn't care about his feelings or the dog being dead.

'

Snape wrinkled his nose as the boy pushed the door to his bedroom open.

'What?' Harry snapped at him.

Snape eyed him coolly for a moment before replying. 'Watch your tone Potter, we may not be at Hogwarts but I can and will give you detentions if you do not learn how to show me a basic level of respect, surely someone even as incompetent as you can understand that'

Snape was surprised when the boy didn't fight back, but instead shrugged his shoulders and turned around to grab his desk chair. Snape looked at the bare walls and peeling paint, the broken furniture and the pile of old clothes on the floor.

'Do you enjoy living in such squalor Potter? Or is it just beyond your abilities to tidy a room'

Harry looked at him coldly for a moment. 'Can we please start? Neither of us want to be doing this'

Snape couldn't be bothered to start an argument with the boy, and instead transfigured the wastepaper bin into a chair. 'Let's hope you've been practising Potter, I don't think either of us can bear to be witness to your appalling attempts a few months ago again. Especially as you've had the last 4 months to practise, try to keep me out of your mind more than 5 seconds. Legilimens.'

Harry tried to concentrate on the numbness he felt, but he could feel Snape's mind pushing against his own and before he knew it memories were rushing by, some mundane tasks such as making breakfast or mowing the lawn, others from Hogwarts, Ron and Hermione, working with the DA and then worst of all, a memory of Sirius flashed by. He felt a wave of emotion and forced his mind to push Snape out. He sat back on the chair, breathing heavily and trying to force the wave of guilt and vulnerability back down. He didn't know if he would be able to handle this for two hours a week, he was already feeling the need for a cigarette and Snape had only been here for 10 minutes.

'That was disgraceful Potter. The dark lord will be able to control your mind in seconds if he wished to, when will you learn to control your emotions and not allow your weaknesses to be so easily visible.'

Harry bit back 'I'm trying to control them, but it's hardly easy for me to push you out when the memories keep changing'

Snape eyed him with disgust. 'You know Potter, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if you weren't even trying to get better at occlumency. Most likely attention seeking, just like your good for nothing father'

'I don't give a fuck about your opinion Snape, maybe if you had actually taught me how to control my mind I wouldn't still be having these lessons' Harry almost yelled at him. Snape took a moment to gather himself, as although the brat was insolent and disrespectful he had never sworn at him. He took one large step forward, grabbed him by the shirt and snarled at him;

'You've just earned yourself your first week back at Hogwarts in detention Potter. And don't you ever talk to me like that again, I'm giving up my time to teach you so the least you can be is grateful.'

Harry knew he had been rude, but the arsehole deserved it, after all he was partly to blame for Sirius's death. By being rude to Snape Harry was sure he would complain to Dumbledore. This made Harry smile slightly at the thought of upsetting the headmaster and showing that he wasn't going to be his puppet anymore and take shit from supposedly responsible adults.

'Let's try again then Potter' Snape ,muttered through gritted teeth. The boy was seriously getting on his nerves, his uncaring attitude doing nothing but pissing him off even more than he thought possible. Back and forth they went for the rest of the hour, with very little improvement on Hurry's part and Snape only becoming more and more annoyed with him, until eventually the hour was up.

'I will be back on the same time on Thursday Potter. If I do not see any improvement we will be having a discussion about your laziness. You would think after that...incident a few weeks ago you would be more aware than ever the need to improve.' Snape said deliberately. Without another word he slammed the boys' bedroom door shut, made his way out of the house and apparated back to the Hogwarts grounds before Harry could throw back a comment.

Harry watched out his window as Snape had apparated away, and collapsed back on to his bed as he saw the man disappear. He breathed in and out slowly, trying to dispel some of the anger and resentment he felt, and absent mindedly grabbed his cigarettes and lighter out his bedside drawer. He thanked Merlin his aunt had gone out during the lesson, as he had desperately needed to cigarette to calm his beating heart and blood pumping through his body. Snape knew just what to say to hurt him, and he couldn't stand that he would have to be dealing with him one to one twice a week. Harry knew there was fuck all he could do, this was just another of Dumbledore's plans that he would be forced into. The more Harry thought about how unfair the situation was the angrier he was becoming. He could feel the desperate urge to have some sort of control over something in his life, so he walked over to his trunk and picked up the bottle of vodka he had gotten. He quickly gulped down 3 large mouthfuls, and shivered at the aftertaste. But he felt that sense of control and relief again, as he knew Dumbledore would probably curse him if he knew Harry was taking risks like this, which was why he loved it even more. Within a minute he could feel his head go light headed and he felt a sense of calmness overcome him. He had never drunk alcohol before and didn't know if he was drunk or not, but either way he loved the feeling it gave him. He wandered downstairs, and happily got on with his chores as mundane thoughts crossed his mind. It was such a change from the usual emptiness and Harry felt pure relief. However after a few hours he realised the feeling of contentedness had passed as he had his Aunt come back in. As he carried on mowing the back garden he heard his uncle's car pull up and the front door open. Almost immediately he could hear his aunt screeching at his uncle.

'Vernon! You will not believe what happened today, one of the boys freak teachers turned up this morning and will apparently be teaching him here twice a week! Vernon the boy didn't even tell us!'

Harry held his breath as he heard his uncle thundering through the house.

'Get over here right this second!' his uncle hissed at him from the back door. Harry sighed and turned off the lawnmower, and as slowly as possible made his way inside.

'How dare you allow your freaks into our house! And not even tell us they were coming here! You better learn to show some respect boy before I beat it into you!'

Harry eyed his uncle coolly and contemplated how ironic that sentence was. Angered by Harry's refusal to apologise he turned a curious shade of red.

'Get up to your room right now! And don't even think about having any meals today or tomorrow'

As Harry walked back upstairs he considered the punishment to be quite light. He assumed it was because now they knew a wizard would be in their house twice a week they couldn't exactly lock him in and starve him, although it wasn't as if Snape would care, in fact he would probably be thrilled. Harry lay back down on his bed and watched the sun sink lower in the sky, accepting the next two days of solitude and hunger, something he had grown used to over the years. At least this time he would have his vices, he mused to himself. Maybe being locked in his room wasn't so bad after all.

A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating, my laptop charger broke and I've had lots of work hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, please review!


	5. Chapter 5

Harry found being locked in his room to actually be rather enjoyable. He had barely been eating since he had lost his Godfather, so the lack of meals didn't bother him. He spent the first evening with his legs hanging out over the window ledge, a cigarette dangling off his lips as the cool air washed over him as he watched the sun sink lower into the horizon. He enjoyed the solitude, which contrasted with the freedom he felt by smoking gave him comfort. He didn't particularly bother to try and hide he was smoking from his relatives as they never went near his room. Harry wondered if there were any rules about smoking at Hogwarts, as he had never seen or heard any. However Hogwarts was a sheltered school and Harry highly doubted any students there smoked, especially considering the majority came from wizarding families where muggle drugs were almost never used. He considered this to be a huge advantage for being able to hide his new habit, as he doubted the teachers would even know how to react if they ever did catch him, although Hogwarts was so vast and Harry had ways he could get past them, so he doubted it would ever be an issue. In a way Harry wanted Dumbledore to find out though, then maybe he would actually notice him and realise he wasn't okay. Somehow Harry doubted that, as if the man cared like he said he did he would have at least checked up on him or asked how he was. He sighed and flopped onto his bed, falling into another non peaceful sleep.

After finishing all his chores on the second day of his 'punishment' Harry just settling into his routine of smoking and watching the sunset when he noticed a small creature that he recognised as Ron's owl Pig swooping towards his bedroom window. Harry hadn't bothered to write to anyone since he'd been back. The one person he did want to write to was gone, and Ron and Hermione's letters was just a reminder of that. Harry hated how they were trying to tiptoe round the subject, asking him about the Dursleys and how much school work he'd done, their letters growing increasingly more desperate the longer he ignored them. The truth was Harry couldn't bear to face them yet. He had been the one to lead them into danger and almost get them killed, which didn't help with the guilt he already felt over Sirius. He also hadn't told them about the prophecy, as he wanted to ignore it for as long as possible. The idea that he was going to have to go into another battle with Voldemort and have to become a murderer if he wanted to survive made him feel a combination of both anger and terror. By talking to them about it he felt that made it seem so real, something Harry was trying desperately hard to forget. That was another reason Harry felt it best to start distancing himself from everyone, this wasn't their battle and he wasn't prepared to see anyone else die because of him. He sighed as he prepared himself for the latest letter from Ron.

'Hi mate its Ron; I hope everything's okay at the Dursleys? Hermione and I are getting worried that you haven't replied to our letters, but Dad said Snape has started teaching you occlumency again so at least we know you're okay. I can't believe you're being forced to have private lessons with him, how's the greasy git treating you? I hope you manage to survive and hopefully you'll be able to spend a couple of weeks with us here so don't give up yet mate! So much has been happening with the order, it's absolutely manic in our house but it's also pretty cool to hear about all the latest missions. Please write back Harry!'

Harry scrunched up the letter and grabbed his lighter, setting the parchment alight. Ron could be so fucking insensitive, he had literally seen the way his relatives treated him and knew he was barely allowed out all summer, and that he had no contact with the wizarding world. Harry hated not being included in what was happening, especially as he was the one who would ultimately be facing Voldemort. He guessed this was another of Dumbledore's fucking ingenious plans to try and 'protect' him and make sure he could still retain some childhood innocence. Did the man not realise Harry had never had a proper childhood after he was sent to live with people who hate his guts. At this point Harry's anger had risen to the point where he was now repeatedly slamming his fist into his bedroom wall. He strided over to his trunk where he had stashed his alcohol and grabbing the bottle forced the bitter liquid down his throat. Harry waited impatiently to slip into the feeling of happiness and relief it gave him, he needed this release badly. As soon as the alcohol hit him he felt all his muscles relax and his anger melt away. He absent mindedly sunk into the chair and pulled out another cigarette, inhaling and exhaling the smoke deeply. Harry was starting to truly enjoy the feeling or the alcohol and cigarettes, the latter becoming a daily habit for him. He started to drink more of the vodka, becoming more and more drunk to the point the room was spinning and he could barely even remember his own name. He loved the feeling of being out of control, doing something on his own terms for once. He stayed up all night, not caring that he would be exhausted the next day; He just didn't want the euphoric feeling to end.

As the sun begin to shine through his window Harry realised it was 7am. He still had the vodka bottle clutched in his hand and cigarettes and ash were scattered over his desk.

'Shit, I'm going to need to sober up if I'm going to be able to cook breakfast' Harry muttered to himself.

However he breathed a sigh of relief when he realised his uncle had started his holiday leave so he wouldn't have to cook breakfast until much later, as his relatives were allowed the luxury of sleeping in. But then cold dread filled him when he realised it was Thursday. Snape would be here in two hours and Harry could barely stand. He stumbled over to his mirror.

'Fuck!'

He looked dreadful, the lack of meals causing his face to look thinner and the alcohol making his eyes bleary and unfocused. The fact he hadn't slept since Wednesday also meant he had dark circles under his eyes and looked even paler than usual. Even Snape would notice his dramatic change in appearance, and somehow he felt telling the man he was simply tired wouldn't explain why his voice was slurred and he couldn't stand still. He made his way across the landing to the bathroom, where he quickly had a cold shower to wake him up, and then brushed his teeth thoroughly to try and remove the strong smell of alcohol on his breath. He couldn't believe he had forgotten Snape would be teaching him today, how could he have gotten so drunk! He could barely do occlumency when he was stone cold sober, so he could only imagine how badly today was going to go. He was starting to regain some control over his thoughts, but he still stumbled into the doorframe as he made his way back to his room. As he yanked the door open he realised immediately he was going to have another problem. His room reeked of smoke and stale vodka, to the point where it was clawing at his throat and almost suffocating him. He quickly pulled his bedroom window open and prayed Snape wouldn't care enough to ask or do anything about it. It was times like these he wished he could do magic outside of school. As he grabbed the cigarettes on his desk and shoved them into his trunk he had a sharp tap at the front door. Harry quickly stood up and breathed slowly, making his way downstairs as steadily as he could manage. He took another breath in as he pulled open the door to reveal his menacing potions teacher standing in the doorway.

'About time Potter, I see you managed to get out of bed at last.' Snape growled at him through gritted teeth. Snape took a proper look at the boy. He looked paler than usual and his arms seemed to be thinner than he had ever realised, with his eyes looking heavy and puffy as if he hadn't slept for days.

'Why do you look such a mess Potter, are you unable to go to bed at a reasonable hour? Probably talking to those little friends of yours all night' Snape added disgustedly.

'There's nothing wrong with me' Harry replied slowly, trying to make his voice sound as normal as possible.

He quickly turned and made his way up the stairs, closing his eyes when he stumbled slightly and praying Snape wouldn't realise what was actually the reason behind his behaviour. Snape looked at the boy's hand gripping the banister so tightly his knuckles were white, and couldn't help but be slightly curious about the reasons for the boys' abnormal behaviour. He realised who he was thinking about and dismissed the thought, if the boy wasn't dealing with Black's death that was for Albus to handle. As the walked into his bedroom Snape smelt a hint of something odd that he hadn't smelt in his room before. It was somewhat familiar but he couldn't place it. Potter was fidgeting and trying to look anywhere but at him.

'What is it?' Snape asked him sharply.

'Nothing, I'm fine' Harry replied quickly. He wanted to get on with the lesson as soon as possible.

'Potter the state of your room has only gotten worse, it is almost unbearable. If your room is not tidier for our next lesson you'll be having another week of detention. Now hurry up and sit down, you're wasting time standing there fidgeting.' Snape said threateningly.

Harry was feeling even worse than he had done this morning, the nervousness of Snape realising he was drunk making him feel more nauseous than ever. As he sat down Snape gave him no warning when he attacked his mind for the first time. The alcohol caused him to feel like he had no control over his mind, so it stood no chance to withholding Snape's attack. More memories rushed past, Harry using all his strength to stop Snape seeing recent criminalising memories from the summer. The faster they rushed past the more Harry felt like he was about to vomit.

Snape pulled out of his mind. 'Pathetic Potter-' Snape was unable to finish his insult as the boy rushed past him into the bathroom, where the distinctive sound of someone throwing up could be heard. Five minutes later the boy stumbled back into the room, looking paler than ever.

'Next time you're ill Potter perhaps you could warn me in advance so I don't have to waste my time coming here this morning.' Snape barked at him

'I wasn't exactly planning on throwing up, and I was fine yesterday so I couldn't have warned you anyway' Harry argued back weakly.

'Sir, Potter, surely being ill doesn't mean you forget basic manners. I will be back on Tuesday, no excuses.'

He walked briskly out of the boys bedroom, ignoring the small niggle in the back of his mind suggesting something more serious was wrong with the boy. He was probably just being attention seeking anyway, hoping Severus would tell Dumbledore the boy was sick so he'd be able to get out of his lessons. Well Snape certainly wasn't playing that game, the boy would survive and he would be seeing him in less than a week anyway. He quickly apparated back to Hogwarts. He had much more serious things to worry about than an insolent, lazy teenage boy anyway.

A/N: Thank you to everyone that has reviewed so far, this is my first fic so it means a lot :) This was a bit of a filler chapter but I'm going to have a lot more happening in the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

As the next few days dragged on, Harry soon fell into a routine. He would wake up, smoke, then drink just the right amount of alcohol to get him drunk enough that he was still able to do chores, but still giving him the happy and contented feeling he loved. He would continue to drink throughout the day, he had truly started to hate being sober. After clumsily finishing his chores he would usually wander up to the shops. Due to the amount he was smoking he needed another packet of cigarettes almost every day, and he usually grabbed another bottle of drink. Harry had stopped bothering to pay, he didn't have enough muggle money and alcohol was expensive, and anyway he just didn't seem to be able to care anymore. He was now eating even less, only having a small meal every couple of days. His aunt didn't care, as it meant she got to spend even less money on him. He tried to avoid his relatives as much as possible, and although they occasionally asked why he had become so clumsy he just muttered something about being tired.

Harry found the days he had lessons with Snape to be almost unbearable. As Harry wasn't able to drink when he woke up, his body always felt in agony and his hangovers were so bad he could barely concentrate on what Snape was saying. The sessions would always end with the man screaming at him about how useless he was, which did nothing but make Harry's head hurt more. He knew he should probably start taking the lessons seriously, but the lessons were so useless that even if he was completely sober he wouldn't have improved anyway. However Harry was getting worried that the man was beginning to notice how he always seemed almost comatose, he would barely talk in case Snape noticed his voice was slurred and his bones were beginning to become clearly visible due to the lack of food.

A couple of weeks later Harry had just finished his chores and was settling down to watch the sunset like usual when he remembered his birthday was the next day, but more importantly that it would be a Thursday, so Snape would also be teaching him. 'Ugh, I can't believe I have to see that prick on my birthday' Harry groaned inwardly. If Snape knew it was his birthday he'd probably more irritating than ever, making snide comments about his family spoiling him or something like that. The idea of the man becoming even more taunting was enough to make anyone drink, Harry considered to himself. Worry and nerves were swirling around his body, making him feel tense and anxious. 'Shouldn't the drink be blocking this out?' he thought to himself. 'Maybe I've built up my tolerance and need to drink more.' He knew it was a bad idea to get drunk when he was seeing Snape the next day, but after all it was almost his birthday and he deserved to celebrate it how he wanted to. Harry always stayed up until midnight anyway, a tradition he'd done ever since he was a child. He went over to his trunk and pulled out a few bottles of various spirits. He had gained a wide variety of different drinks now that he went to the shop so often. He ignored his conscience telling him it was a bad idea and gulped down a few mouthfuls of whiskey straight from the bottle. He let the tension ebb away from his body, and felt himself relax on to his bed. He continued to swig from the bottle, and when he attempted to stand up when his watch beeped midnight he fell straight on to the floor.

'Fuck, I think I may have drunk a little too much.' He laughed to himself. He sniffed and wiped his eyes as he got up off the floor, and picked up the alcohol bottles and shoved them back into his trunk. A couple of minutes later a small group of owls had gathered outside his window, each one carrying a small parcel. Harry grabbed the gifts and shoved them into his trunk as well, he was too wasted to open them now and he didn't want Snape to see them anyway. As he finished the last of the whiskey he started to tidy his room, he didn't need another detention from Snape for his untidiness. However he must have drunk a lot more than he realised, as he felt his eyes go unfocused and then the room seemed to be getting further and further away from him, until it disappeared completely and he blacked out.

Harry was woken the next morning by a sharp kick to his leg.

'Get up. NOW.' A threatening voice hissed at him.

'Whatizit' Harry mumbled. His head was throbbing and the light was so bright he couldn't open his eyes.

'Potter, if you do not get up off the floor right this second there will be consequences.'

'Fuck off.' Harry mumbled into the worn carpet. He could barely concentrate on the voice over the pounding of his head; he just knew he wanted it to stop talking.

Harry jumped about 5 feet in the air as icy water was dumped onto his face. He attempted to get up off the floor, but fell over again and landed on his knees. Shit. He was still slightly pissed. His day only got worse when he looked up into the face of his very angry potions professor.

'Pray tell Mr. Potter, why have I been forced to wait outside your house for nearly 10 minutes until I had to open the door myself, to then to find you lazing about asleep on the floor where you then proceed to swear at me and seem unable to even stand up?' As Snape's tone grew increasingly louder Harry was contemplating if anyone had ever died from a hangover.

Suddenly Snape narrowed his eyes at him. 'Potter, you look dreadful. Are you ill again?'

'No Sir' He muttered, wincing when his voice slurred slightly and he swayed on the spot where he was standing.

'Then why were you passed out on your bedroom floor?'

'Um...I was really tired last night and I just sort of, uh, fell asleep' Harry blinked as he rubbed his face and pushed his hair back, hoping that Snape would believe the lie. He quickly turned around to sit down on his chair, but stumbled and tripped, wincing as he fell into his desk.

'Are you drunk Potter?'

Harry froze, his mind racing 100 miles an hour. He decided to go for the innocent and confused look. 'Of course not Sir, It just takes me a minute to wake up properly.' Harry prayed he sounded convincing enough and that Snape wouldn't be able to smell his breath.

Snape seemed to believe him. 'You have truly exceeded my expectations of your incompetence Potter. For your language earlier and your laziness you've also earnt another week of detention. Now be quiet and prepare your mind. Legilimens!'

Harry groaned. Passing out the night before had been a mistake, he was exhausted. Blacking out wasn't actually sleep so he felt as if he'd been up all night. Snape's constant probing of his mind wasn't helping, and Harry was sure he was searching for recent memories so he had to use all his strength to keep them hidden. After Snape had spent an hour shifting through his memories, he finally stood up to leave.

'Potter, the longer it takes you to learn how to control your mind, the more lessons we will continue to have. If there is no improvement I _will_ start teaching you three times a week, something neither of us wants. Incredibly, you have actually gotten worse from a few months ago, something which I didn't think was even possible.' Snape snapped at him.

'I'm trying to improve, but you aren't even telling me how to control my mind! I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing' Harry snapped back equally annoyed.

Snape pinched his brow as he reminded himself that cursing the boy was unprofessional. 'I have already told you a ridiculous amount of times, you need to stop letting your emotions be so easily visible, contain your thoughts, focus on emptiness, nothingness. You have had months of practise, and I am still able to break through your so called defences in seconds. You're weak Potter,' he hissed the last three words at him, intending to be menacing, but Harry merely rolled his eyes. He did want to improve, but he couldn't be bothered to argue with Snape as the longer he was here the more Harry was craving his morning smoke. He didn't really give a fuck what Snape thought of him, and he knew he was just saying it for a reaction.

Snape stared at Potter when he didn't retaliate. The boy was known to be very sensitive to anyone calling him weak, but he seemed to have barely even noticed the insult. 'There is definitely something wrong with him.' Snape thought to himself, deciding he should probably bring it up with Dumbledore later. As he stood to leave, he allowed his eyes to sweep over the room. On the boys desk various books and quills were scattered messily, but he then noticed a blue muggle lighter on top of some parchment.

He reached over and grabbed the lighter. 'Why do you have this Potter?'

The boy looked up, shrugged and replied. 'I found it outside, stop going through my personal things'

Snape raised his eyebrows. 'I was hardly rummaging Potter, it was in plain sight. Now why were you outside, you know full well Professor Dumbledore has asked you to stay inside for your safety. Do you have no sense of self preservation?'

'I don't see why I always have to do as Dumbledore says, I'm 16 now. I know how to look after myself' Harry snapped back bitterly.

'Be that as it may Potter, but you cannot even perform magic whilst you are here. If someone was to see you there would be no escape.'

'Dumbledore is being overprotective; no one is going to attack me in Little Whinging'

Snape rolled his eyes at the brats' arrogance. 'Potter how exceedingly stupid can you be. _Professor_ Dumbledore isn't being overprotective, he is taking necessary precautions. Now enough of this, you are not to go out again.'

Harry nodded his head sulkily, inwardly planning to go outside as soon as possible, partly as a 'fuck you' to Snape. He didn't believe what Snape had said, this was just another way Dumbledore was trying to control him and keep him away from everything in the world.

'Try and at least be awake on Tuesday Potter' Snape sniped, walking out of Harry's bedroom and slamming the front door.

Harry grabbed some alcohol and a pack of cigarettes and wrapped them around his invisibility cloak, tucking it underneath his arm. He then quickly made his way out of the house into the bright summer morning, needing to get away from the tension and stress he felt from being with Snape in Privet Drive. He made his way over to the park, quickly lighting a cigarette and resting under the shade from a large tree. He liked the feeling of going against Dumbledore's and Snape's orders, and he knew he was able to look after himself perfectly fine anyway. But he also didn't care about following other people's rules anymore. It was his summer; if he wanted to go outside he should be able to. After Dumbledore spent the last 5 years asking Harry to trust him blindly on everything Harry was fed up. He didn't see any reason in listening to anything the man had to say, as he only ended up confused and miserable and without answers to things that affected him.

Harry was broken out of his bitter thoughts when he was aware someone had come up to him. He realised it was Malcolm, one of Dudley's friends who was in his gang. Harry tensed up, but Malcolm held up his arms.

'Dudley's not here, chill Harry. I was just asking if you had a spare fag' he said, gesturing towards the cigarette resting casually in Harry's hand.

'Uh, yeah sure.' Harry threw the pack towards him and leaned back against the tree.

'Didn't know you smoked Harry, you didn't exactly seem the type' Malcolm said, lighting up.

'People change' Harry shrugged.

'Isn't it a bit early to be drinking?' Malcolm stared at the bottles that were spread around him.

Harry smiled and took a deep pull of his cigarette; after all he couldn't really explain what he was doing. By this point Malcolm had come and sat next to him.

'Y'know, I can give you something stronger if you're interested. You look like you need a proper pick me up, you look like you're half dead. That's why I barely drink, the hangovers used to kill me' Malcolm said causally.

Harry considered for a moment. He had been feeling for a while that the alcohol wasn't blocking out his memories well enough, and he hated waking up feeling like he wanted to rip out his eyes.

'What can you give me?' Harry muttered as a family wandered past.

Malcolm pulled out a small baggy from his back pocket. There was a green sort of substance in it, to Harry it looked like something that you could find in Snape's storeroom at Hogwarts.

'What is it?' Harry asked. He wasn't stupid, he knew it was drugs, he just didn't know what it was called.

Malcolm blinked at him. 'It's draw mate. Weed?'

'I have heard of it, I've just never seen it before. What's it like?' Harry asked whilst trying to remember what he had learnt in primary school. 'And how much?'

'It's pretty commonly used round here, just makes you feel chilled out and happy. You might do some stupid things but it's harmless, no one has ever died from it. And tell you what; I'll give you this half price as you've never had it before, think of it as a trial period. So 10 quid.' Malcolm grinned and passed him the baggy, then reached into his pockets again.

'I'm guessing you need some papers as well.' Malcolm passed him a small rectangular packet, which Harry knew were for roll up cigarettes.

'You'll probably want to make a roach as well, cigarette packets usually work well for that.' At Harry's blank expression he told him they were another form of filter, and also gave him instructions on how to roll the joint.

'Uh, thanks.' Harry was surprised Malcolm was doing this for him, as they had never spoken in the past. Harry remembered something quickly.

'Can you not tell Dudley about any of this please?' Harry said, trying to appear confident.

Malcolm raised his eyebrows and gave him a sly smile. 'Don't stress it Harry, this is between us. If you want more stuff then you'll usually find me around here, or knock on my door, I live in the first house on the other side of the park.' He said, pointing Harry towards his house.

'See ya later then'. Harry nodded goodbye to him and shoved the baggy and rizla's into his pocket.

Harry really didn't know what to think about what had just happened. Alcohol and cigarettes was one thing, but drugs were a step up; However Malcolm had said it was harmless and it was always worth trying something new, especially as Harry was following his own rules now. Harry remembered the reason he'd come to the park in the first place, he was proving to Dumbledore and himself that he couldn't be controlled any longer. Harry had woken up to the old man's manipulation and wasn't going to go along with it any more. Anyway, he had been curious about trying something stronger, and Snape was becoming suspicious of him drinking. No physical signs were what he needed if he was going to keep this up without having the rest of his Hogwarts life in detention with Snape. He wandered back towards Privet Drive, knowing that his aunt was going to scream at him for being out almost all day. As soon as he opened the front door he heard his cousin yell out for his Aunt.

'MUM! He's back!'

'Where on earth have you been! How dare you go out all day when you know you have jobs to do here!' Petunia started yelling at him.

'I was busy, leave me alone.' He stomped past his aunt up the stairs to his room, trying to stay as far away as possible from her so she couldn't smell the smoke on him.

'Ungrateful brat!' she yelled after him.

Harry pushed the door open and flopped face down on his bed, groaning into his lumpy mattress. He fucking hated being back, and worst of all he had another month until he would be going back to Hogwarts, although he wasn't even sure if he wanted to go back there either. He realised he still hadn't opened his presents from his friends, and he should probably send them a letter so they knew Snape hadn't killed him yet. He opened the Weasley's present first, which were a new pair of Quidditch gloves from Ron, some of the new products from the twin's shop, cookies from Mrs. Weasley and a new quill from Ginny. Harry smiled to himself, the gifts were far more than he'd been expecting. Hermione got him a book, which Harry realised was about occlumency. 'At least if I read it I might be able to get the lessons finished quicker.' He considered. There was a third package too, which had writing that seemed vaguely familiar. He pulled it open and saw a simple black and silver ring inside. He picked up the note that was attached.

'Dear Harry, Happy 16th Birthday! I hope to be able to see you soon, I would have written sooner but things have been very busy as you can imagine. I know these last few weeks have been difficult, but if you ever need to talk to me I am only a letter away. I thought you'd like something to remind you that you are never truly alone. Sirius bought this when he was 16, and he treasured it very much, as he did with you. Best wishes for you, Remus.'

Harry dropped on to the floor, breathing heavily to try stop himself from crying. A lump formed in his throat and his eyes welled up, he felt so overwhelmed with emotion. Every part of Sirius was precious to him, especially something of his Godfather's that he could keep. He slipped the ring on to his middle finger, admiring how the onyx seemed to glitter in the light; it was truly beautiful. Harry quickly wrote out replies to his friends, apologising for not writing sooner by blaming it on the amount of chores he had. Harry didn't want Remus to worry about him, so he simply thanked him for the gift and told him the Dursleys were keeping his mind off everything. Harry lay down on his bed after he sent Hedwig off. He stared at the ring, trying to imagine Sirius doing the same when he had been his age. Somehow it made Harry feel like a hole in his heart was being filled, as if Sirius was there with him. As Harry drifted into sleep, he did so with a small smile on his face, feeling the happiest he had in months.

A/N: I hope everyone likes this chapter, it took me ages to write and I'm still not happy with the beginning :( Thank you to everyone that has reviewed my fic, it means so much to me and inspires my writing!


	7. Chapter 7

It was the first week of August and Harry felt like he was going mad. His relatives were forcing him outside all day to do chores in the garden. Not only was the sweltering heat giving him sunburn and making him exhausted, he wasn't able to go to the shop to refill his stock. Not that it was particularly urgent, his aunt was constantly watching him from the kitchen window so he could never sneak in a smoke break, and by the time he was able to get into his room in the evenings he would always fall straight onto his bed in exhaustion. Harry hated being sober, but at least the work could keep most of his tormenting thoughts away.

Meanwhile Snape was making his way through the derelict halls of Hogwarts to talk to the Headmaster before Potter's occlumency lesson the next day. Dumbledore was waiting for him when Snape pushed the oak door open.

'Severus, what a pleasure to see you! Would you like a lemon drop? Or tea?' He smiled warmly at Severus.

Snape looked down and shuddered as the man tried to push the lemon drops towards him. 'No, but thank you. I've come to talk to you about Potter.'

Dumbledore's facial expression immediately changed. 'Ah yes of course, how are the lessons going?'

'Headmaster, he is even more abysmal than he was a few months ago. I have tried everything yet he is utterly useless' Snape growled.

'Come now Severus; let us not be too harsh. Remember Harry is struggling with the events of the last two years.' Concern showing through on the older man's face.

Severus snapped. 'Perhaps it would help if you didn't send him to live with useless relatives Albus.'

Dumbledore smiled serenely, his eyes glittering. 'That sounded heart-warmingly caring Severus, are you growing to like the boy?'

Snape gave him a condescending look. 'Of course not, I cannot stand the boy. But being forced into spending time there has been….enlightening.'

Dumbledore frowned. 'What do you mean?'

Snape sneered at the old man's concern. 'The boy is always exhausted, he has dark circles under his eyes permanently and looks as if he's aged about 5 years. All his bones show, he's clearly not eating anything. He also seems to be constantly ill, last week I arrived to find him collapsed on the floor.'

The older man was silent for a moment, thinking. 'He must be struggling with his Godfather's death more than I realised. He'll be back at Hogwarts in less than a month however, then we can make sure his health is improving and put the right procedures in place. For now Severus I only ask you to ensure he does not deteriorate further until that time.'

Severus gave him a look that suggested that was the last thing he wanted to do, but said nothing. 'Will the boy not be shortly moved to the Weasley's?'

'Ah yes, unfortunately I have not told him yet that he will have to stay at the Dursleys all summer. The risk is too great to move him to the Burrow, Voldemort would be able to locate him and it's too dangerous. In fact Severus, to save an owl the trouble can you deliver the letter explaining the situation to him tomorrow?' Albus replied, giving Severus another smile.

'Fantastic, now I'm going to have to deal with his arrogant, selfish behaviour when he discovers he won't be getting his own way.' Snape growled at the man.

'I'm sure Harry will have complete understanding Severus, the boy is mature and wouldn't want to impose danger on his friends.'

'We'll see Albus. Anyway I've got work to get on with, I'll see you later.' Dumbledore merely inclined his head in return, his eyes twinkling.

Snape grabbed the letter and made for the door, cursing the Headmaster in his head for making him deal with Potter yet again. Even though he knew Dumbledore thought the boy was fine at the Dursleys, Snape couldn't help but be slightly worried. If something did happen he knew Potter wouldn't ask for help, and he only saw him twice a week. If an issue arose it could be days before Snape saw him, as his relatives clearly didn't care.

Back at Privet Drive the next morning, Harry was busy shoving his belongings off the floor and into his lopsided cupboard. He had been in a terrible mood for the last few days due to not being able to rely on his alcohol, and he didn't need Snape to yell at him for something else or he would probably end up punching the man. Harry was determined to not cause any arguments with him; he had even tried to practise clearing his mind before he had fallen asleep the last few nights so Snape would see some improvement. As soon as he heard the knock on the door Harry ran down the stairs to open the door, where he found his professor in his usual dark robes, with a typical dour look on his face. Snape eyed him beadily, and Harry felt himself fidget uncomfortably under his intense gaze.

'Come along then Potter, let's get on with it' Snape gave him a push towards the stairs, making him stumble slightly.

Harry gritted his teeth but didn't say anything, determined to not start an argument straight away. They made it up to his room in silence and started the lesson. Harry found being sober not to that much of a help; in fact the only difference was that Snape's insults bothered him more. He could keep Snape out for only a few seconds, and it terrified Harry that Voldemort would easily be able to attack him if he wished.

'There has been some minor improvement Potter, however you are still atrocious. You need to be practicing more otherwise we will be having these lessons all year, and I don't doubt that Voldemort would launch another attack before then. You have to understand the urgency of learning occlumency Potter; you are being lazy and selfish as per usual by putting no effort in.'

Harry jumped up indignantly. 'I am trying, but we've only been learning for a few weeks! I'm going to improve; I just need more time-'

'Time is exactly what we don't have Potter. How many more people have to die for you to realise that.' He snarled at Harry.

Harry's jaw tightened but he forced his emotions down. 'I'll see you on Thursday Sir.'

'Not so fast Potter. The headmaster wanted me to give you this letter regarding your summer arrangements.'

Harry grabbed the letter and ripped it open, praying he would be able to leave the Dursleys as soon as possible.

'Dear Harry,

In order to ensure your safety and protection it has been decided that you will not be going to the Burrow this summer. The protections there are inadequate and the order feels it would be too dangerous for the Weasley's and yourself. I'm sure you'll understand the precarious situation; and anyhow it will give you a chance to dedicate yourself to occlumency. Furthermore it is felt it would be too much of a risk for you to buy your books in Diagon Alley, therefore I will be personally collecting them myself for you. Enjoy the rest of your holiday Harry.

Albus Dumbledore'

Snape had been watching the facial expressions that had been flickering through the boy's face. It had started with hope, then desperation, and finally pure anger and fury.

'What danger?' Potter demanded. Snape groaned inwardly, he should have left before the boy started asking questions.

'We are on the fringes of a war Potter; the Headmaster is making the necessary precautions to keep you safe'

'Can't I even go to Diagon Alley with someone else? I have things I need to get!'

'What are you rambling on about now Potter?'

'Dumbledore said I'm not allowed to go to Diagon Alley! Voldemort is hardly going to attack me there in the middle of broad daylight, these 'safety measures' are ridiculous! I'm basically being locked in all summer!'

'Stop your whining Potter, your books are being picked up for you. Your antics are tiring Potter, if you want to be treated as an adult start behaving like one and get used to not having your own way all the time.'

Harry clenched his fists. If Snape thought any of his life had gone the way he wanted he was seriously deluded.

Snape gave him a disgusted look. 'Get over yourself Potter; you're behaving like a toddler.' He stomped out the house and apparated back to Hogwarts, irritated with the Headmaster for not telling him the boy would not be allowed to go Diagon Alley and making him deal with Potter's tantrum.

Harry was fuming. Once again his future had been decided for him. He went to grab his cigarettes and the weed he had stored in his dresser, needing to get outside the house and get fucked up. His plans were soon halted when his aunt paraded in.

'Don't you even dare attempt to try and sneak out again. Get downstairs now, you have chores to get on with and if you don't finish them you won't be having any dinner!'

Harry felt his anger increase, and took some deep breaths to stop it from erupting. He had desperately needed a release, hating Dumbledore more than ever at that point. But his aunt wasn't moving from his doorway, so he stomped down the stairs and into the already perfectly mown garden, mentally cursing every single person in his life as he pulled out the lawnmower and started his endless list of chores. As soon as he was able to escape up to his room that evening, he had decided what he was going to do. He wasn't going to listen to what Dumbledore told him, if he wanted to go out then he would. By letting the old man take control of him would only lead to him being taken advantage of, and ultimately hurt again. If Harry was going to have to fight, he should be allowed to have some say in how it was done, and the more Dumbledore tried to shield him from that the angrier he got, pushing him towards risk taking and rule breaking.

Harry waited until he heard his relatives go to bed. He slowly eased open his window and dropped onto the ledge, then onto the conservatory roof, which he was able to climb down from easily. He then slipped through the side gate and quickly made his way down the street. He allowed himself a small smile as he ambled to the park. He loved feeling rebellious. He had spent his whole life having decisions made for him, always following the rules. He had to deal with his parents dying and living with relatives that hated him, being considered an outcast at school for being the 'boy who lived', and worst of all a maniac who was trying to kill him. He felt like he deserved a release, a vice, even if it wasn't exactly the healthiest.

Harry set down under his usual tree. The mild summer night meant he was only in a t-shirt, and the park was deserted. He pulled out the eighth from his pocket and the rizla papers. He broke off some of the weed into small pieces like Malcolm had told him, then clumsily rolled it up. He had put in a lot of weed as he wasn't sure how much he needed to get high. He sparked the end of the joint and inhaled into his lungs. Malcolm had told him to hold it in his lungs as long as possible, but it was a lot stronger than tobacco and he was soon coughing and spluttering. After he calmed down he took another pull, and managed to hold it in his throat longer, exhaling the smoke from his mouth and nose slowly. He repeated the action until the joint was almost burnt down, grinding the end into the dirt. Harry wasn't exactly sure what was supposed to happen, he felt slightly more relaxed but still very much sober. He suddenly felt his heartbeat increase and his vision shift, and his hands and legs started to shake slightly. A wave of calmness and tranquillity washed over him, and he felt all his anger slip away. 'Fuck me, I feel amazing' He laughed out loud to himself. Harry had never felt this happy, Malcolm was right when he said it was a better high. Everything around him suddenly seemed fascinating, he found himself staring a leaf for almost half an hour. Harry didn't want to go back to the Dursleys as he was loving being spaced out from reality, but when the sun started to rise he wandered back towards the house, not paying attention to what was going on around him, just focused purely on how numb and chilled he felt. When he stumbled in to his room at 5:30, he fell straight into a relaxed sleep, and was fortunate enough to not have one of his usual nightmares.

A/N: Here's the next chapter for you all! Thank you to everyone that has reviewed, the next chapter is going to have some action in and be a lot more exciting, I can't wait for you guys to read it


	8. Chapter 8

Harry awoke early, his head still feeling slightly foggy but still feeling relaxed. 'Whoa, last night was amazing.' He thought to himself, making a mental note to get more weed off Malcolm as soon as possible. However he had other things to think about now; it was time for the second part of his plan. If Dumbledore thought Harry wouldn't be going to Diagon Alley this year, he thought wrong. If Harry was going to continue his newfound habits whilst at Hogwarts, he was going to need a lot more money, and the more Dumbledore tried to protect him the more he wanted to disobey him. However Harry wasn't stupid enough to draw unwanted attention to himself, so he pulled an old cap of Dudley's over his infamous scar and pulled a large dark hoodie over his thin frame. Patting his pockets to check he had his cigarettes, lighter, wand and money, he walked briskly out of the house and to the end of Privet Drive, where he surreptitiously held his wand out in front of him, only having to wait a few seconds until the Knight bus was towering in front of him. He quickly boarded, breathing a sigh of relief when he realised the bus was practically empty. The conductor could clearly sense he wasn't in a talkative mood as he left Harry alone to his thoughts, most of which were working on fighting down the nausea as the bus sped through the rush hour.

They had arrived at Diagon Alley within a few minutes, Harry quickly paying before anyone could recognise him. However when he entered the Leaky Cauldron Harry found himself smirking when he realised he had been right about Dumbledore's over protectiveness. No one was paying any attention to him, too engrossed in their conversations or reading the Daily Prophet. He made his way out into the alley, subconsciously lighting a cigarette as he wandered towards Gringotts. He ignored the looks some people were throwing him; clearly cigarettes weren't very common in the wizarding world. Harry didn't let them faze him however, he hardly ever got to leave Little Whinging and he was enjoying his time away from his relatives.

After he had withdrawn enough muggle money from his vault to fund his rather expensive new habits for the next year, he stood outside the bank, considering what to buy. Dumbledore was buying his books and he didn't need new robes. He thought about buying sweets or a new broom for Quidditch, but both seemed childish and pointless now. Harry felt like there was no point being on the Quidditch team this year. He had other priorities now and he was fed up of always fitting into the stereotypes of the Gryffindor golden boy. He wanted to break away from the image, shock people, and have them know him for something other than the Boy-Who-Lived. With that thought in mind Harry made his way out of the Alley and into muggle London. If he was going to shock people he wouldn't find anything in the wizarding world, as he found in general wizards and witches were rather single minded and traditional. Harry found himself in an area of London that was clearly aimed for the younger population. Loud metal and rock sounding music drifted out of the shops and the teenagers milling around all looked stylish and edgy. He couldn't help envying them slightly as he stood there in his dull generic Dudley cast offs. He made his way into the first shop and wandered around the racks of clothing. He had never bought his own clothes before, and it was a slightly alien feeling that he was able to choose exactly what he liked. Harry grabbed some skinny black jeans and t-shirts and hoodies in dark colours. He felt the clothes were describing his mood currently, and he'd always felt he looked better in dark clothing anyway. He also grabbed some converse and vans trainers, which he'd recognised a lot of the teenagers outside the shop to be wearing. He quickly paid and left the store, making his way back outside into the sun. It wasn't that Harry was looking to draw attention to himself, but more that he was changing to become the person he wanted to be. And anyway, he secretly liked the idea of looking more dark and mysterious, it reminded him of Sirius in a way.

As he ambled down the busy and buzzing streets, enjoying his freedom, he noticed a shop that caught his eye. It was a tattoo and piercing parlour, and Harry couldn't but feel slightly drawn to the shop. A piercing would be the perfect way to piss off Dumbledore and be a 'fuck you' to his rule that Harry wasn't allowed out in the summer. He pushed open the door and walked up to the desk.

'Uh hi, would I be able to get a piercing?' harry found himself asking the heavily pierced and tattooed woman at the desk.

'Course you can, what do you want?' She smiled at him warmly, clearly sensing he was nervous

Harry found himself slightly stumped. 'What do you think would suit me best?'

She cocked her head back, almost as if she was surveying him. 'Follow me' She replied, flashing him a grin.

Harry found himself leaving the shop 20 minutes later with a piece of silver metal harnessing the left side of his lip. He was surprised by how much he liked it, it made him look tougher and suited his new image. When he imagined the look on his teachers and relatives faces he knew it was definitely worth the throbbing pain he was currently in. He'd had a good day, and he hadn't run into anyone who had tried to kill him. Fucking overprotective Dumbledore. However he needed to focus on the present issue, the Dursleys. Harry sighed, knowing that he'd have to go back there at some point, and he would be in huge trouble regardless; he may as well get it over with. He slipped into a quiet alley and quickly called the Knight bus, a sinking feeling settling into his stomach that his day was over. As the bus lurched through suburban Surrey Harry watched as the sun was sinking lower into the horizon, and he tried to enjoy the few moments of calm before he had to face his aunt and uncle's yelling. All too quickly he was outside his relative's house, and he could swear he could feel his relative's anger radiating out the house. As soon as he opened the door his aunt and uncle were in the hallway with him, fury on their faces.

'HOW DARE YOU RUN OFF AGAIN! I've had it with you boy, this has gone on too far! We let you back here year after year, yet you think it's acceptable to go gallivanting off with your freaky friends no doubt!' His uncle started to yell at him. Harry stood there, automatically blocking him out.

'Well what do you have to say to us you spoilt brat!' He heard his aunt screech cut in. Something inside harry snapped when they called him spoilt, they of all people knew he was the opposite.

'Go fuck yourselves.' Harry growled at them defiantly as he made a move to walk past them.

Unfortunately his uncle recovered far quicker from his comment then he had expected, and raised a large fist and slammed it into his jaw. Harry was almost knocked sideways from the force of the blow and the shock that his uncle had punched him. Vernon had threatened to many times, and had slapped him around before, but Harry had never pissed him off enough to have him punch him.

'DON'T EVER SPEAK TO US LIKE THAT AGAIN YOU DISRESPECTFUL FREAK! ONE MORE TOE OUT OF LINE AND YOU'LL BE OUT OF HERE PERMANENTLY, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR FREAK SCHOOL SAY.' By this point his uncle had turned bright red, and was shaking with anger.

Harry was sure that if this had happened even a year ago he would have been shit scared. However he felt like he just didn't have the time or energy to care anymore. His relatives' threats were useless, and he didn't care about being locked in his room or not having meals. Perhaps having no emotion apart from anger anymore was actually a positive, at least it meant he wasn't getting hurt anymore. Therefore he made his way up the stairs and into his room as casually as possible, trying to stop a smile breaking on to his face as his aunt attempted to calm Vernon down. Harry flopped on to his creaky bed, tired after his long day. He heard his aunt come up the stairs and lock his door, then stomp away. With all things considered, at least they'd been too angry to notice his piercing or ask where he'd gotten the money for all the shopping he'd been carrying. harry didn't have any intention of listening to them anyway, he would be sneaking out as soon as he ran out of weed and cigarettes, which would most likely be soon as he was locked in. Harry started folding away his new wardrobe; he hadn't realised how much he'd bought. He mentally thanked his parents for at least not giving him financial problems.

Meanwhile at Hogwarts, Severus Snape was giving a complicated new potion his full attention, Potter as far from his mind as possible. At the pivotal moment, there was a sharp knock at his laboratory door. Choosing to ignore it, Snape continued to stir the Dandelion root into the deep blue concoction. However the door was pushed open, and Dumbledore stepped into the lab. Snape grinded his teeth together and attempted to ignore the man, but Dumbledore chose to talk to him anyway.

'Ah Severus, always working hard I see. May I have a quick word?' Knowing the man would not leave until he agreed, he sighed and banished the potion.

''Certainly, what would you like to talk to me about?' Snape asked.

'Harry.' As Dumbledore replied, Severus instantly noticed his face become graver.

'What now?' Severus managed to ground out. How did that boy continue to be the bane of his life even when they were hundreds of miles apart?

'Mrs. Figg told me she saw him strolling around at 5am the other night, and apparently he seemed to be behaving slightly unusually. I've warned him previously of the dangers of walking around unaccompanied, particularly at night.'

Snape felt anger rise in him. 'I've also specifically told him not to leave his house Albus, the boy seems determined to get himself killed. There is nothing more that can be done.'

Dumbledore frowned slightly. 'This is most worrying indeed. I'm not sure why Harry is acting this way. Can you talk to him again Severus?'

'He does not listen Albus, as his behaviour over the last five years has repeatedly shown. He is selfish and arrogant, clearly thinking he's invincible.'

Dumbledore cut into his rant. 'Just ask the child why he's behaving in this way, please try and hold back your personal feelings for him Severus.'

'Yes fine, I'm seeing him tomorrow.' Snape replied, wanting to get back to his potion before his anger got out of control.

'Very well, I'll see you later Severus.' Dumbledore smiled at him warmly and left.

'Idiot boy! The whole order is running around to protect him and he goes out doing God knows what in the middle of the night! If Albus thinks I'm going to be nice he has another thing coming, the boy clearly needs discipline. Just like his foolish and arrogant father.' Severus thought to himself. Oh no, he certainly would not be nice to the boy tomorrow morning.

Harry awoke the next morning with an hour to spare before his miserable git of a teacher would be in his bedroom. He quickly set about straightening his room, which was mainly hiding anything incriminating. He had decided against smoking the rest of his weed last night in case he was still stoned when Snape came to teach him. After he finished tidying his room, he decided to pick out some of new clothes. He chose the blackest, skinniest jeans, a loose black t-shirt and a dark hoodie. Harry wasn't vain but he definitely felt like he looked good; minus the dark bruise on his jaw, and with his new lip piercing and unbrushed hair he finally felt like he was Harry, not just the Boy-Who-Lived anymore. He settled down by his window to wait for Snape, and he wasn't disappointed when he saw the man apparated at the bottom of the street.

'Oh shit, he looks pissed as hell.' Harry thought to himself. The man was storming up the street, a look of fury on his face. Fantastic. Harry couldn't even open the door to let him in, which would do nothing to improve his mood. However he needn't have worried, as the man was so angry he unlocked the door himself as he stomped up to the front door. Shit, this was not going to be a good day for Harry.

He heard his bedroom door being unlocked, then the man himself was looming in the doorway, a look of cold fury on his face. Harry held his breath as the man took a step closer to him.

'Mr. Potter, do you remember the little chat we had a few days ago about safety precautions?'

'Uh...Yes sir?' Harry replied, his heart feeling like it had stopped beating.

'Then what, in your idiotically small brain, thought it was acceptable to go walking around in the middle of the night?'

Harry stared at him for a second. How the fuck did he know he had sneaked out?

'Um, I couldn't sleep.' He mumbled, not quite meeting his eyes. Shit he was a bad liar.

'Do not lie to me Potter.' Snape said deliberately.

'Do you have no sense of self preservation Potter? People are risking their lives everyday in the order to keep you safe, yet you cannot even follow the most simple instructions to stay inside. You are without a doubt one of the most selfish people I've ever had the misfortune to meet.' Snape said, fury and bitterness seeping out through his words.

'So what, I went for a walk.' Harry snapped, standing up. 'Why is everyone treating me like a child, I'm old enough to do what I want and I'm mature and responsible.'

Snape sneered at him. 'You were clearly out getting that ridiculous piece of metal in your face, I'd hardly call that responsible behaviour Potter. Now again, please tell me how you plan to defend yourself if a group of death eaters find out your location.'

Harry saw red, and he didn't seem to be able to control what he was saying. 'I'm surprised you haven't told them I'm here already seeing as you spend so much time with Voldemort. Dumbledore's an idiot to trust you.'

The next thing Harry knew his feet were dangling a few inches of the ground, as his potions professor had pulled him up by his t-shirt, his hands shaking with barely controlled rage.

'Don't ever talk to me like that again Potter. Your lack of respect and gratitude will get you nowhere in life, and to think you are the 'The Chosen One.' Snape spat at him.

'The headmaster will be hearing about your appalling behaviour, and you've earnt yourself another month of detention.' Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes. When was Snape going to realise he didn't give a fuck about detentions anymore? Snape practically threw him back down on to his bedroom floor, looking at him with pure hatred. He then turned and left, slamming Harry's door behind him.

'And he thinks I'm disrespectful, he's the most unprofessional and shitty teacher at that fucking school and isn't even bothering to try and teach me occlumency anymore.' Harry thought angrily to himself. Not that he was too bothered, the lessons were useless anyway and he was fed up of seeing Snape all the time. He hoped Snape would refuse to teach him for the rest of the summer at least, although knowing Dumbledore he'd probably make Snape come and check up on him even more often now. Harry couldn't think of anything worse, and quickly grabbed a cigarette to calm his anger down. At least he would be back at Hogwarts in three weeks, where he could spend as much time as possible away from the man who probably wanted to kill him nearly as much as Voldemort did.

A/N: Sorry it's been a while since I updated! I broke my phone which had my whole plan for this story on, and after losing it I didn't really feel like writing for a while. Anyway I hope people like this chapter, I feel like the story is moving slightly too slowly so I might try and speed things up to have Harry back at Hogwarts in a few chapters time, what do you guys think?


	9. Chapter 9

Harry sighed. He was bored. It had been hours since Snape had stormed out and he was getting restless wandering around his bedroom. He wanted to smoke the rest of the weed he had leftover, but the smell was a lot stronger than cigarettes and he didn't want to think of what would happen to him if his relatives knew he was now taking drugs. He was also trying to work out how Snape had known he'd been out the other night. Was he being tracked? Was the house being watched? Harry discarded this theory, as Snape would have definitely mentioned it if he had known about Harry's little trip into London yesterday. Even so, Harry certainly wasn't planning on staying in all evening, he'd just have to wear his invisibility cloak and hope for the best. He waited until he'd heard his uncle and aunt go to bed, then he grabbed his money, cigarettes and green and made his way over to Malcolm's house, making sure his ankles weren't visible out the bottom of his cloak. He had grown a couple more inches, but he'd gotten thinner, which made him look gaunt and lanky. As he approached the other boys' house, Harry was suddenly thankful he'd bought his new clothes, as it gave him a much-needed boost of confidence. As he quietly knocked on the door he felt his adrenaline levels rush slightly; he'd never realised how fun it was to be a rule breaker.

'Potter? Is that you? Shit, how long has it been since I've seen you!? You look completely different mate.' Malcolm exclaimed, staring at Harry open mouthed.

Harry felt a grin cross his face. 'Oh come on, it's just a piercing.'

'Looks pretty sick though. Anyway what's up?' He asked.

'Do you have any more, uh...stuff?' Harry asked uncertainly.

Thankfully this seemed to be the right thing to say as Malcolm gave him another grin and beckoned him inside. 'Come up to my room.'

Harry followed him up the stairs and into his large bedroom, where Malcolm quietly shut the door behind him, indicating that his family were asleep.

'So how much do you need? Eighth again?' Malcolm asked him.

'Yeah that should be enough for the next couple days.' Harry replied. '£20 then?'

Malcolm took the cash and smirked at him. 'Cheers Harry.'

'So when do you go back to your crazy boarding school?' He asked Harry suddenly.

Harry wondered what exactly Dudley had told his friends. 'Uh not for a couple weeks, why?'

'Well I'm guessing you're gonna want to take some stuff with you, y'know?'

'Oh yeah, I hadn't really considered that. Can you help me out?' Harry asked hopefully.

'Course I can, we can sort something out later yeah?' Malcolm said casually.

'Also if you want anything a bit stronger, I can help you out there as well.' He winked at Harry.

'Cheers, I'll consider. Anyway I gotta go.' Harry muttered, thrown by Malcolm's last comment.

As Harry made his way across the park to his favourite tree under his cloak he considered what Malcolm had said. Harry would never have usually considered smoking weed until this summer, and here he was rolling up a joint. He had made a promise to himself that he would stop being Dumbledore's puppet. He would start living the life he wanted. He was fed up of always being seen to make good decisions; He just didn't want to do it anymore, he'd been hurt too many times. With his mind made up to take Malcolm's offer, Harry went back to rolling up his joint. He sparked the end and inhaled the first pull heavily, savouring the instant relief that ran through his veins, letting his eyes roll back as the smoke hit his throat. This was a feeling that was indescribable, all his emotions would instantly be washed away and replaced with a calm oasis, making him feel light headed and almost as if he was in a trance. Harry could barely even imagine the high other drugs could give if weed made him feel this incredible. As he sauntered back towards the house, his legs felt like they were floating over the pavement and the street lights danced across his eyes. All his senses felt like they had been heightened, making Harry unsure what was fantasy and what was reality. It was mind blowing.

Making his way back inside the house, Harry noticed an annoyed and pompous looking owl waiting for him. Harry grabbed the letter from around its leg and tore it open, barely able to focus on the words, which were swimming and dancing across the page. He realised it was his O.W.L results, but he absently threw the letter across the room, wanting to get anything from real life far away from him. There was another brief letter from Dumbledore, stating that Harry would not be having occlumency for the rest of the summer. Harry laughed out loud to himself.

'Wow, I must have really pissed Snape off if even Dumbledore has given up.'

He sank on to his bed and grabbed another smoke out from one of his pockets. Inhaling slowly, he focused on the high running through his veins, blocking out everything else in his life. Nothing could beat this feeling. Harry soon fell into a peaceful sleep, allowing his body a proper rest, something that he was rarely granted.

'The boy has gone completely off the rails Albus. Nothing you say will make me continue teaching him, his lack of respect and gratitude is appalling and he has no interest in learning occlumency.'

It was mid afternoon and Albus was currently watching his very irate potions Professor pacing angrily up and down his study, something which he had grown very used to over the last 15 years.

'Are you sure Severus? I'm certain that when you are able to break through his emotional barrier, Harry will become a lot more willing to try and succeed at occlumency. He has too much anger and sadness that has built up over the last 2 years, and he needs someone he can trust and talk to.'

Severus looked at him as if he had gone completely crazy. 'Where on earth have you gotten the idea that I should be the one to play Daddy?' He spat. 'I have no interest in helping the child and it is not my responsibility either! I was doing you a favour by tutoring him during my holidays, but you are asking far too much from me. I have no interest in the boys' private life and if you want to know why he's acting even more like a spoilt brat than usual you can talk to him yourself.'

'I will not force you to do anything Severus. But do not claim you have no interest in helping Harry; your frustration and worry at his newfound behaviour is evident. If you feel that you are making no progress, let us leave the lessons for the remainder of the summer. However the boy will be back here shortly, and I feel that the lessons should continue then. Perhaps Harry will be more willing to learn when he is back in a school environment.' Dumbledore compromised with Snape.

'That child is given far too many liberties Dumbledore. I'm not promising you anything.' Snape ground out, before turning on his heel and exiting the office, in order to spend the next couple of weeks working on his potions and doing his very best to forget the Boy-Who-Lived.

Harry meanwhile was finally enjoying his summer. He had fallen into a daily pattern of waking up, smoking a joint or three, doing his chores as quickly as possible whilst taking secret swigs from his hip flask that was filled with vodka and then making his way over to Malcolm's house to buy more weed. He was making sure he was constantly high so he could block out all the emotions in his life, and the booze and the draw helped him only concentrate on happy feelings. Harry had only just over a week left before he had to go back to Hogwarts, and he wanted to make sure he was fucked up for all of it.

He made his way over to Malcolm's that evening as per usual, his pockets full of cigarettes and draw. Harry never went anywhere without his drugs, It was like how he felt about his wand; lost and vulnerable if it wasn't with him all the time. He greeted Malcolm at the door and they made their way up to his bedroom.

'Just the usual then?' Malcolm asked, straight down to business.

'Yeah sure.' Harry replied absentmindedly, itching for another zoot even though he was already blazed as hell.

As Malcolm pulled out his stash he turned back round to Harry. 'Hey, you wanna try some of this new shit I got in today? It's pretty fucking good'

Harry stared at the little baggy. It was an off white powder, which almost looked like sugar.

'I love a bit of coke, so you up for it mate?' Malcolm said, cracking a grin.

What the fuck why not Harry found himself thinking. 'Yeah sure, I'm up for it.'

He watched as Malcolm poured the powder on to his window ledge, grabbing a sharp razor blade to separate the powder into two lines.

'You tried blow before?'

'Uh...no, I haven't.' Sometimes Malcolm made him feel so young and innocent, which only pissed him off more at his far too sheltered school.

'Here just watch me, you'll get it quickly.' Malcolm replied, rolling up a banknote and bringing to his nostril. Harry watched as he held the other nostril and breathed through his nose deeply as he went back and forth across his line, until all the powder had gone. He turned to Harry, his eyes already becoming glassy as he loudly sniffed his nose again.

'See Harry, nothing to worry about.' He exclaimed, shoving the rolled up note into his hand.

Harry wasn't particularly worried, the weed dampening his nerves. He bent down with ease to his line and quickly snorted up the powder, ignoring the slight burning sensation running through his nose. Almost instantly, Harry felt something within him change. He could hear the blood roaring through his body, his heartbeat quickening to the point where it felt like it would beat out of his chest. But then he began to feel strange emotions, emotions he had never felt before. Sudden happiness overcame him. He was brilliantly happy; nothing in his life mattered anymore. Here he was, with the first person his age to show him kindness, having the best summer of his life, free from everything at last. He couldn't believe how euphoric he felt, he didn't have a care in the world. He looked over at Malcolm, who was sat on the floor with a huge grin on his face. Harry stumbled over to him, and also started grinning. He had no reason to, but he suddenly had a newfound love for his life. Soon both boys were rolling around on the floor in hysterics, laughing at anything and everything. Malcolm passed him over a balloon that Harry woozily had been told was laughing gas. The pair inhaled the balloons quickly, the gas making them become even more hysterical. Time seemed to slow down for Harry, it had felt like hours, but when he checked the clock it had only been 5 minutes. Harry lay on the floor for a few minutes; the combination of the weed, cocaine and nos had made him feel fucked up. Just the way he had liked it. He left Malcolm lying on the floor, where the boy had started rambling about something incoherent. He stumbled over to the window, clumsily undoing the catch. The coke high was beginning to wear off; that shit really didn't last long. As he brought his lighter to the cigarette balanced on his lips, he steadied himself. The incredible feeling of euphoria had worn off, as had the feeling that he could achieve anything. He inhaled deeply, staring out across the park into the inky sky. He welcomed the numbness that was a constant feature in his life; whether it was from drugs or the things that had happened in the past he didn't know, but he wouldn't be able to survive without it. As he drew the blem up to his lips, he caught himself in the mirror that was hanging by the window. The boy that was looking back at him was unrecognisable. His hair was matted and messy, his pupils were massively dilated and glassy. He had dirt and small cuts and scrapes on his face from falling into things, as well as the green bruise on his jaw from his uncle. His lip piercing was glinting in the bedroom light, adding a new edge to his features. His cheeks had almost become concave, the lack of food and sunlight making him pale and gaunt. The hand clutched on his cigarette was particularly lucid and skeletal. Fuck, he looked like a druggie. But he also looked like a changed person; something he knew would only draw attention to himself back at Hogwarts. A small part of him liked this however, being able to shock people for something he was responsible for for once. He was broken out of his thoughts when Malcolm clapped a hand onto his shoulder and pushed a couple of baggies into his hand.

'That was fucking funny mate; you're a right laugh when you're out of it. Bring some more cash next time and I'll sort you out with some good shit for school yeah?' Malcolm grinned at him, laughing loudly.

'Sounds great, thanks a lot.' Harry replied, chucking him the rest of his pack of fags as thanks for the free drugs. He made his way out of the house, feeling slightly grimy and unsteady, but happy nonetheless. He already loved the coke, the confidence high was just what he needed when he had to go back to Hogwarts and face his shitty classes and nosy, manipulative teachers.

As he stumbled into his bedroom, he lay down on his bed fully clothed, the comedown finally taking over his body. Harry was thankful he'd had drugs to get him through the summer, there was no way he could have survived those long weeks stuck in a house with people that hated him and with only letters from people feeling sorry for him. Oh shit, Ron and Hermione. They would probably drag him straight to Dumbledore if they ever caught him using drugs. It wasn't like Harry hadn't known he was going to have to be sneaky this next year, and it was nothing he couldn't handle. He just wished his friends were more open-minded.

Pushing the thought to the back of his mind, he mentally made a list of what he would need to get ready before going back to school. Definitely more vodka and a shitload more cigarettes. He had never seen any being sold in Hogsmeade and with Snape breathing down his neck constantly he was going to fucking need them. Then he'd be picking up his drugs for the next couple months as well. He couldn't exactly takes a year's worth of stuff, but he'd worry about getting out of school another time. He should probably try and do some work as well, he already had about two months of detention and he couldn't be fucked with drawing attention to himself and running the risk of Dumbledore putting some grand new plan in place for him. Fuck, real life was coming back to him, and he knew that soon enough he'd be back trapped in Hogwarts with all his freedom taken away from him. Harry was really going to need to find some good hiding places to get some sanity away from the madness.

A/N: Wow I am so sorry that its been almost 2 months since I updated! I'm not sure what happened, but anyway I'm back in the mood for writing now I'm back on holiday and so I will try get another chapter out in the next week or so. I'm also going to have Harry back at Hogwarts either next chapter or the one after which I'm really looking forward to, and please review!


	10. Chapter 10

Severus Snape was busy arranging his store cupboards for the next year, making sure he had labelled and weighed every ingredient he owned in case one of the dunderheads attempted to steal from him. As he was transferring various ingredients into their different sections, he picked up a small container of gillyweed. Subconsciously the Potter boy floated to the forefront of his mind, something that Severus had been successfully avoiding for the past week. Whilst he was still exceedingly angry at the boys' foolishness and arrogance, he couldn't stop the small slither of concern that had invaded his mind. In all honesty the boy had become paler, and when Severus had pulled him up he had barely weighed anything. Severus had never paid much attention to the boy, but he was sure he wasn't that thin last year; after all, the boy would have to eat a lot to perform in Quidditch. He pushed the thought away, after all Albus would be watching over him shortly, and the boy would hardly be in danger from his miserable relatives. Perhaps it was just another of his attempts to attention seek, after all the boy had gotten that ridiculous piercing. Snape was sure he'd never been that hormonal during his teenage years. Soon enough he'd find out what was up with the golden boy anyway.

Harry was feeling a mixture of both anticipation and nervousness. A small part of him was looking forward to going back as a changed person; whether he had changed for good or bad he had no idea. He didn't particularly want to be back under the control of Dumbledore, but it wasn't exactly like he had a choice. Anyway, he would at least have vices to get him through it. Harry was feeling slightly nervous as well, however he would probably had been a lot tenser if the weed wasn't having a strong effect on him. He was scared about what people would say about him, if people would notice how thin he was, or somehow work out he was on drugs. He was also worried about what his friends would think of him. He had written Ron and Hermione brief letters to say he wasn't going to Diagon Alley and would see them at King's Cross, and neither of them had replied. Harry wouldn't be able to stand it if they tiptoed around him, avoiding any mention of the Order or Sirius. He wanted to forget as much as possible about what had happened a few months ago, and he didn't need anyone's sympathy. He had gone 15 years without a family; he certainly didn't need people feeling sorry for him now.

Harry had already started packing his trunk, even though he wasn't going back to school for two days. He had gone to visit Malcolm the evening before, where he had given the boy most of his money for more drugs. He certainly hadn't been exaggerating when he said he could help Harry out. As well as a huge container of weed, Malcolm had also given harry a large bag of coke, and some ecstasy which would apparently give him a massive energy boost and make him alert. Shit, Harry had a large stash now. He'd probably looked like such an idiot last night when he was blazed and stumbling back with large bagfuls of drugs in his arms. When he was fucked last night he'd also thought it had been a good idea to stop off at his favourite shop to pick up his more legal supplies. His overactive mind had got a little carried away and he had ended up stealing around 40 packs of cigarettes and quite a few bottles of vodka. Harry reasoned that at least he wouldn't have to worry about running out during the year. He had put all his alcohol and drugs to the bottom of his trunk and covered it with his invisibility cloak, so hopefully he would be able to keep it out of sight until he found a decent place to hide it. He'd also shoved his barely opened textbooks in, as well as his robes and other school things.

Harry was woken early the next morning with the sunrise, as per usual. He liked to sleep with his window open so he could wake early, in order to have time to get himself ready for the day before he had to face his relatives. He slipped on his clothes, feeling slightly put out by being sober, a feeling he had grown to hate. He rapidly rolled up a joint, his nerves feeling slightly more on edge the longer he was sober. Harry enjoyed his morning smoke, being able to get high when it was silent outside and with the sun warm on his face was a brilliant feeling. He'd stop bothering to care if his relatives found out. When he had finished the smoke and chucked the roach outside he hurriedly sprayed himself with deodorant, avoided looking in his cracked wardrobe mirror and made his way downstairs to start on breakfast. He had been trying to avoid his guardians as much as he possibly could, and any interaction he was forced to have with them he made sure his mind had been focused elsewhere. Harry still hadn't forgiven his uncle for the punch he had been given, and refused to speak to him, which he was sure suited Vernon just fine. As his aunt and uncle came in, Harry tried to look as busy as possible. The pot had taken its effect on him by this point, and he had to use a lot of concentration to make sure he didn't drop or burn anything.

His mind was become more and more fuzzy, pushing him further into the numbness he craved. As he became more relaxed, his uncle's voice brought him back into reality.

'What are you staring at boy?' Vernon snapped at him.

'Nothing.' Harry replied, careful to keep his voice steady. His voice sounded far away, and there was a slight buzzing in his ears.

'Look at me when I'm speaking to you! I said you're making your own way to London tomorrow, I'm not wasting any of my petrol on you.' His uncle sneered at him.

Harry had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He had no intention of going with his uncle. 'Yes, that's fine by me.'

His uncle was obviously annoyed that he hadn't got a reaction out of him, so yelled at him to start his chores instead. He slowly stumbled outside, glad to be away from the hostility of his relatives, especially as Harry was starting to get paranoid that they'd pick up on the fact he looked completely stoned. At least it was finally his last day at Privet Drive; he'd grown tired of the monotony. He planned to wake up early tomorrow and take the knight bus over to London again, so he'd have time to relax before he had the gruelling train journey over to Hogwarts. He had no idea how he would be able to cope so long without a cigarette or a joint, especially as he'd have to deal with Ron and Hermione interrogating him about his summer.

The next morning, Harry awoke early, and nervously set about getting himself ready. He had a shower and washed his hair, making sure to gel his hair down to cover his scar. He then dressed in his darkest clothes, pulling the hood over his face to avoid any attention. He really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. He quickly packed the rest of his things, making sure he hadn't left anything incriminating lying around. Harry then grabbed his broom and Hedwig's cage, and as a final thank you to his relatives dragged his trunk down the stairs as loud as possible, before slamming the door shut behind him. He couldn't help but laugh as he heard a faint roar of fury from inside the house, before he made his way up the street into a quiet road. He finished his cigarette and called the Knight bus; glad to see it was practically deserted. They had arrived at King's Cross uneventfully, and Harry realised it wasn't even 10 yet, which gave him plenty of time to relax and calm himself before he had to face being around hundreds of happy families. He had become increasingly nervous as the morning had gone on, and was currently stood outside the back of the station making his way through a pack of cigarettes.

His friends. Having to see Dumbledore again. 2 months of detention with Snape. Reminders of Sirius. Harry was taking deep pulls every time a new anxiety crept to the surface of his brain. Fuck, he wished he could smoke some weed, but he knew it was too risky on the first day back when people would be paying attention to him.

After standing outside the station for 30 minutes, he finally summed up the courage to walk inside. He walked quickly down the platform with his hood still up, avoiding the small number of mainly first year students. Boarding the back of the train, Harry entered the last compartment and tried to calm himself unsuccessfully. He had a ball of nerves in the pit of his stomach, which was accompanied with a strong desire for some sort of drug to be in his system. The platform was becoming more crowded now, and Harry spotted Malfoy striding along with an ugly sneer on his face. Fucking fantastic, the prick was going to have a field day when he saw his drastic new appearance. It was 20 minutes until the train left that he saw Ron and Hermione arrive. He breathed deeply; reminding himself of the excuses he had come up with for his summer. So what he was a little skinnier and had a piercing, he knew his friends wouldn't judge him for it, even though Hermione would probably stress about his weight loss. Harry just prayed they weren't still going to tiptoe around him, acting like he was going to have a mental breakdown any second. It had made their friendship uncomfortable and far too formal at the end of last year, and Harry couldn't stand it if they still were going to treat him like a small child. It wasn't like he hadn't known grief before.

As he heard his friends walk down the train to look for him, he quickly pulled his jumper down to cover his wrists and collarbones and tried to look as relaxed as possible. The compartment door slid open and he looked up into the anxious faces of his two best friends.

'Harry!' Hermione cried, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. He was thankful he'd worn one of his bulkier hoodies; he didn't need her feeling how thin his waist had become.

'It's good to see you again Hermione. Hey, Ron.' Harry gave him what he hoped looked like a genuine smile.

Before Ron had time to reply Hermione had grabbed his face.

'Is that a piercing Harry!? Well it certainly is...different.'

Harry shrugged off her obvious disapproval. 'Yeah maybe, I like it. How are you guys, then?'

'I'm good thanks, how was your summer then?' Ron asked him tentatively.

Harry quickly gave them both a grin as they sat down. 'It was pretty relaxing actually, I managed to study a lot and enjoyed the peace and quiet.' Flashbacks of himself punching his wall and smoking pot every day crossed his mind, but he quickly suppressed the thoughts and zoned back in on the conversation.

'-See Ronald, I told you Harry was studying over the summer.' Hermione was saying to a bored looking Ron.

'Fine, fine. How come you didn't reply to our letters mate? Were you upset about what happened las-'

Ron was cut off by a sharp kick from Hermione and a look that made him shut up instantly. Harry looked outside the window, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest and the lump in his throat.

'Uh I'm sorry Harry, I didn't mean to remind you-'

'It's fine.' Harry cut in quickly. Before they had time to start pitying him he quickly added 'And I don't need either of you feeling sorry for me or tiptoeing round me. I just want to forget about last year.' Except the only way Harry had been able to forget was when he was on drugs. He could hardly tell his friends that though. He was so fucking weak.

As he watched the train pull out of the station he breathed out deeply and leaned back against the seat. At least they were away from all the noise and people, something that set Harry's nerves on edge. As he started staring at the rolling fields and green landscapes he tried to focus on something other than his nicotine cravings. 'You're going to be in school everyday, you need to learn to cope without it,' Harry tried to remind himself. He still couldn't stop his hands from fidgeting; it felt unnatural to not have his hand clasped around a smoke.

'Are you alright Harry?' Hermione asked him, a concerned expression on her face.

'Oh yeah, I'm fine, just looking forward to going back to Hogwarts.' He smiled at her, wincing internally at how bad the lie was.

'So are you going to tell us about the change in appearance then? Also don't take this the wrong way but you seem thinner and you look pretty pale. ' Ron asked him nervously, his eyes roaming Harry's face.

He shrugged again, trying to look as if he wasn't bothered by how obviously different he looked. 'I caught a bug off Dudley, so I didn't feel like eating for a few weeks, and I grew quite a bit so I guess I just look thinner.' Harry had tried to sound confident, and held his breath as he waited to see if his friends bought the lie. He wasn't comfortable with being dishonest, but he was sure they knew that after Sirius's death he hadn't felt like eating.

'Fair enough mate. Just try eat more when we get to school, you need to be in top form for Quidditch this year!' Harry gave him a weak smile. Shit, he'd totally forgotten that he'd be expected to lead the team. Yet another thing he'd have to be sober for.

'Why did you choose to get a lip piercing Harry? Are you sure piercings are allowed at Hogwarts?'

Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes; was he really going to get interrogated the whole way there? 'I liked it Hermione, what's the big deal if I want to change up the way I look a bit? It's not like I've dyed my hair blue or something. And to be honest I don't give a shit if it's against the rules.'

As he expected Hermione did not approve of his choice of language. 'Harry! Don't use such disrespectful language!'

Ron thankfully backed him up. 'Hermione leave him alone, he can swear if he wants to. Good on you mate.'

Harry gave him a grin as Hermione sighed and turned back to her book. As the hours passed he and Ron discussed Quidditch teams, homework, and what all the Weasleys had been doing over the summer. Thankfully the time passed quickly, and talking to Ron took his mind off his cravings. Eventually Neville, Luna and Ginny had joined them, and predictably asked him the same questions. Harry already wasn't looking forward to the feast, but it was going to be unbearable if everyone was going to ask him why his face looked so different and stare at him when they thought he wasn't looking.

By the time they arrived at Hogsmeade, Harry was fed up. His friends had probed him for hours and his head was hurting from the lack of nicotine and he was nervous about being around so many people. At least he had his robe on, which bulked him out. As they got off the train, he quickly pulled his hood up and walked over to the waiting carriages, avoiding Hagrid and the other sixth years that were milling around. Ron and Hermione hurried up to him and clambered in the back of the carriage with him, anxious expressions on his face.

'What was that about? Hagrid wanted to say hi.' Ron frowned at him.

Harry could feel the nerves bubbling up inside him. 'I didn't feel like hanging around okay! Stop questioning me on everything!' He shouted.

Awkward silence ensued in their carriage, and Harry wished more than anything he could get five minutes alone. They drew up to the school and made their way through the front gate with crowds of others students, Harry careful to keep his hood covering his face. When they got inside the castle he quickly ducked behind Ron and Hermione and sat crouched over the table so he wouldn't have to look at Dumbledore. Even being back in the same room as the man was infuriating. He was probably going to give them a speech about how important trust and friendship was, the manipulative liar.

'Harry, Snape's looking at you.' Hermione muttered to him

'He's probably trying to think of ways he can add another month to my detention then.' Harry replied bitterly. He didn't bother to look up from the table.

'You already have detention with the slimy git?' Ron asked him, aghast.

'Yep, two months.' He replied grimly.

Hermione and Ron looked shocked, but before they could ask him anything else Dumbledore had called for silence. It was only after the sorting had finished and Dumbledore had done his speech did Harry look up for the first time. Thankfully people were too busy digging into the feast to be looking at him, and there was loud conversations running through the hall.

'Harry, you haven't put any food on your plate yet' Hermione reminded him pointedly.

'I'm not that hungry, I ate a lot this morning.' He replied quickly. In fact Harry couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything, but he was feeling too tense for food.

He allowed his eyes to wander over to the staff table, as he could feel someone's eyes boring into the side of his head. Dumbledore was staring at him, a look of concern on his face. For fucks sake, he had obviously also noticed that Harry looked sick. He watched as the man turned to Snape on his right and muttered something. Harry bent his head down swiftly, not wanting to give the man anything else to say about him. He was still slightly embarrassed that Snape had seen him passed out in the summer. Thankfully the feast finally finished, and there was a rush towards the main entrance. Unfortunately Harry had momentarily forgotten that he was still something that people liked to talk about and hadn't been paying attention to what was going on around him. He could hear whispers and see people pointing at him, with a mix of shocked and disgusted faces all craning to look at him.

'Look at his face! Why's he so pale?'

'I didn't put Potter down as the lip piercing type'

'He looks like he hasn't eaten for months! You can see all his bones'

'He looks like a walking skeleton, I bet it's cos of what went down at the Ministry'

Harry could feel his cheeks reddening as the whispers rushed through the students. As he saw Malfoy start to walk over, he quickly pushed his way through the groups of people hovering around. He was already in a shit mood, and he knew Malfoy would likely mention Sirius, which would result in Harry punching him in the face and ending up in detention with Snape for the rest of the year.

'I'll see you guys later, I'm going to get some fresh air.' Harry muttered to Ron and Hermione.

Fuck this, he needed a fag now. He hurriedly made his way over to the main entrance and was reaching inside his hoodie pocket for his pack when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder.

'Mr Potter, you seemed to have forgotten the Gryffindor common room is not outside the castle. Was there a reason you were going outside after curfew, especially when you had instructions to go straight to your dormitory?'

Snape pulled the boy around to face him. He had only seen him with his head down during the feast so hadn't been able to get a proper look at him, but in the last couple of weeks the boys' appearance had deteriorated further. He tried not to show his shock, but the boy really did look dreadful with his hollow cheeks and dark circles. Worst of all was the deadened look that occupied his eyes. Lily's eyes. It wasn't something Snape had ever seen before and he never wanted to see it again.

'I just wanted to get some fresh air for a moment Sir.' Harry said tightly, avoiding making eye contact.

'Clearly you are unable to follow simple rules Potter. You would think having detention for the next two months would have deterred you from further infractions, but evidently spoilt children never learn.' Snape said silkily.

Harry had to use all his willpower not to punch the man standing before him; this day was only getting worse for him. He felt his jaw tighten but stayed silent, instead opting to continue staring at the floor.

'As you cannot be trusted, I will be escorting you to your common room myself. Move Potter. Now!' Snape barked at him.

Harry swore quietly under his breath and stomped after the man, practically having to run in order to keep him in sight as Snape strode through the castle. They arrived quickly to the Gryffindor tower and as Harry stepped forward to go inside Snape put an arm out to stop him.

'Your detention starts tomorrow Potter. If I get as much as a inkling that you leave this dormitory before tomorrow morning, you will find yourself having another month of evenings spent with me. Understood?' Snape glowered at him.

'Yes Sir.' Harry muttered, before stepping through the portrait quickly. As the door shut he leant against the wall and sighed deeply. He was already going fucking crazy and he'd only been back for a few hours. He looked around the deserted common room. It was just how he had remembered it, cosy armchairs and sofas placed around the warm fire, the walls lined with portraits. Harry couldn't help wondering where his Dad and Sirius used to sit. There were so many questions he wished he could have asked. Making his way up to his dorm, he found his friends getting ready to go to bed. He flopped back on to his bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying to ignore his friends loudly talking about what they'd done over the summer.

'I didn't have time to ask you earlier Harry, but what are you going to do about Quidditch practice if you're in detention every evening?' Ron asked, coming over to stand at the foot of his bed.

'No idea, I'll talk to Snape or McGonagall.' He replied, wishing everyone would go to bed. He had missed the silence he had grown so used to in Privet Drive. He got up to pull the curtains round his bed, ignoring the looks he was getting from the rest of his roommates. As soon as he heard the other boys settle down into bed he pulled his trunk open, shoving his clothes and books aside until he reached the bottom of the trunk. He yanked the invisibility cloak off; relief washing over him when he saw his stash was still there. Briskly grabbing some weed from the bag as well as some papers and a lighter, he shoved the trunk under his bed and pulled the cloak over himself, tiptoeing frantically through the common room. His urgency and desperation to smoke nearly caused him to trip over the doorway as he stepped into the corridor. He had decided the best place to go was up in the astronomy tower, as it was rare that anyone could be bothered to venture up there at night. As soon as Harry had reached the tower he pulled out a cigarette and had it lit instantly. As he leaned back against one of the pillars with his eyes shut waves of pure relief washed over him and his nerves loosened themselves. He had needed this tonight. With the cigarette still dangling off his lips he started expertly rolling the joint, his hands able to do it without any thought needed. He stubbed out the cigarette and threw it off the tower, before calmly sparking up his joint. The thick smoke filled his throat and mouth and he inhaled the smoke deeply into his lungs, holding it until his brain was clawing at him for oxygen. As the smoke erupted from his mouth and nose he could already feel the weed take effect on his body. His mind instantly relaxed and dropped he shields he'd been holding up all day, and every worry and stress was forgotten as his mind drifted away and his vision blurred. Harry would never get tired of this feeling. He was slightly nervous about smoking in school, but he reassured himself that everyone would have been tired and gone to bed hours ago. Anyway, weed seemed to be the only way he would be able to stay sane in the school; even being near Dumbledore had made his blood boil, the man that had lied to him and used him for 5 years.

He was thankful that he'd sneaked out so many times before, as his stupid stoned self was barely staying upright as he made his way back to bed. He had no idea what time it was but assumed it was pretty late as he'd spent hours staring out across the lake, the stars dancing across his eyes as he'd laughed at nothing. After finally collapsing onto his bed, he groaned when he realised it was 2:30 in the morning. Knowing his luck he probably had double potions tomorrow morning as well, so there was zero chance he could have a quick nap. At least he wouldn't have any nightmares tonight so he would be able to sleep through the night without screaming for Sirius or Cedric.


	11. Chapter 11

An irate Ron yanking his arm awaked Harry the next morning. 'Harry come on, we need to be downstairs in five minutes!'

Harry groaned as the sunlight pierced through his eyelids. His head was pounding and his brain was still foggy, making him slightly unsteady. 'I'm awake alright, just give me a minute.'

He pulled on his uniform hurriedly, not wanting Ron to see his bare chest. Quickly grabbing his schoolbag, they then sprinted downstairs, Harry lagging behind as the combination of no exercise for the past two months and heavy smoking had not done his body any favours. They arrived in the Great Hall and plonked themselves down next to Hermione, who was poring over her timetable. She silently handed them theirs, and Harry discovered that they had double Defence Against the Dark Arts first.

'Hey at least it's not that bad this morning! Who's teaching us this year?' He asked Ron and Hermione.

Ron, who had a horrified look on his face turned to him. 'Didn't you listen at all last night? Snape is teaching us this year.'

Harry sighed. At least he was better at defence than he was at potions, so hopefully Snape wouldn't lay into him as much. But his detentions were also starting today- that was too much time spent with a man he loathed. At the sight of the fluorescent yellow eggs and fatty bacon in front of him, he felt his stomach clench.

'I need to get a book from the dorm, I'll see you in a bit.' He said, rushing away from the hall full of chattering students. When he did get into his room, it was only to grab his cigarettes. Being around Snape, who would no doubt belittle and humiliate him, had made him extremely tense. He raced up to the astronomy tower and quickly lit up, listening out for the sounds of any other students coming up. As Harry tried to settle his nerves, he tried to block the constant thoughts of Sirius out. The last thing he needed was to turn up to Snape's class upset or angry; it would only cause to satisfy the prick more. Just as he started to calm himself, Harry realised the class started in five minutes and was on the other side of the castle.

'Fuck!' he yelled as he sprinted down the steps and through the endless corridors, which were full of younger years screaming and running around. He managed to make it to the class before Snape, seating himself down beside Ron. He took a quick glance around the room, and realised they'd been put with the Slytherins. Who the fuck kept making the timetable?

'You okay? Took you a really long time to get a book.' Ron turned to him, looking slightly suspicious.

'Yeah well I got caught up with stuff.' Harry replied cagily. He really didn't need to be interrogated on every single thing he did.

Snape strode into the room, slamming the door behind him. Harry sank lower into his seat; he could tell this wasn't going to be a good lesson.

'Silence. Open your books to chapter 1, we're going to be starting a topic on Dementors.'

Harry felt a lump form in his throat. He was instantly reminded of three years ago, when he'd saved Sirius from the dementors by the lake. But Harry couldn't save his Godfather from his own stupidity and recklessness. He watched Snape's gaze flicker around the class, then linger on him a couple of seconds longer. Harry was sure the man had smiled slightly; he knew that the lesson was bothering him. Unable to curse him, Harry decided to stare out of the window all lesson instead. He didn't even want to listen to Snape droning on or think about the detention he had tonight. He just wanted to get high instead and forget about every single problem he had to deal with. Just as he was daydreaming about the weed he would be able to smoke this evening, he heard Malfoy's infuriatingly pretentious voice cut across his thoughts.

'Professor Snape, why do some people faint when they're near dementors? Are they just weaker than others?' As Malfoy asked the question, he had turned to Harry and was giving him an ugly smirk.

Harry stared back at him, blood rushing to his head.

'Don't rise, that's exactly what Malfoy and Snape want.' Ron muttered in his ear. Harry could feel the anger bubbling at the surface, but he knew Ron was right; he was already in enough shit. Quickly drawing in his emotions, he masked his features with a look of indifference.

'10 points to slytherin for an excellent question Mr. Malfoy. It is generally believed that those who have more negative emotions are seen as more attractive to dementors, which leads to physical symptoms such as fainting when in their presence. However, I'm sure there are...certain individuals who are weak or are perhaps just attention seeking; people will do anything for five minutes of attention'

 _Ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him._ Harry tried his hardest to not listen to Snape, but the man was staring right at him, waiting for him to crack. But he couldn't rise, not during the first lesson. He instead bent over his parchment and pretended to take notes as the man carried on the lecture; ignoring the looks of disgust he was occasionally throwing him. As soon as the bell rang, Harry jumped out of his seat, wanting to get away as fast as possible.

'Potter, come here.' Snape barked at him.

'I'll catch up with you guys later.' Harry said, raising his eyebrows.

He hadn't even done anything, why did the git keep trying to get him in trouble? Slowly he made his way over to the front desk and stood before his menacing professor.

'Your detention starts at 7. For every minute late I will add another day, so it is likely to be in your best interest to be on time.' Snape told him silkily.

Harry didn't bother grace the man with a verbal response, instead opting to nod. He almost sprinted out the room, needing to be away from the intensity and hatred he had felt during the class. Thankfully he had a break before his next lesson, and dashed outside for a quick smoke. He felt slightly bad that he was ditching Ron and Hermione, but after that class he needed some time to breathe and calm himself. He quickly ducked into some undergrowth on the edge of the forest, allowing the cool shade and damp earth to calm him down. He shut his eyes momentarily, the sounds of the birds in the trees giving him something other than his anger to focus on. He placed a cigarette between his lips and fished around for his lighter in his back pocket. He loved the method smoking; the familiar process calming is nerves. Peeking through the undergrowth, he watched students of various ages sit around talking to their friends, laughing and joking. The year had barely started and already Harry felt more alone than ever; no one understood the grief he felt. He had a sudden overwhelming urge to dash up to his room to snort a couple of lines; he couldn't stand the feelings of loss and helplessness. But he knew it was too reckless to go to his classes high, he wasn't that irresponsible. Quietly stepping out of the bushes, he made his way back up to the castle for the rest of the day.

Harry had had a shit day, and it was only about to get worse. He had gone down to dinner with Ron and Hermione, becoming more aware that his first detention was coming closer and closer. He had hardly eaten a meal in the last three days, which was only making his appearance worse, something that Snape was sure to pick up on. As they sat down in the hall he chanced a glance at the staff table, and noticed Snape looked more pissed off than usual. Fantastic. The idea of eating food was making him feel slightly nauseous, but Hermione was giving him a pointed look, clearly worried that she'd barely seen him eat. To appease her he quickly shoved some vegetables on his plate, but chewing food just felt like eating cardboard; everything was tasteless and dry.

'Harry, your detention starts in 10 minutes.' Hermione reminded him sharply.

Harry snapped his head up and realised Snape had already left. He'd been so zoned out he hadn't been paying attention to what was going on around him, including the time.

'Shit thanks, see you guys later.' He ran off before Hermione could start her lecture on his inappropriate language.

He wished he could have a smoke beforehand, but he didn't dare risk it, as he was sure Snape was still suspicious after the summer incidents. Harry still cringed when he thought about the man being in his bedroom. He arrived outside Snape's office 1 minute early, breathing a sigh of relief that he wouldn't have to have any more detentions on top of the next two months. Slowly breathing out, he knocked on the door. There was a short silence.

'Enter.' The man hissed menacingly.

Harry threw his head back and groaned silently. Snape was not going to be forgiving tonight. Quietly pushing the door open and making his face as neutral as possible, he stepped inside. The potions professor was sat at his desk, his back turned away from him.

'Sit.'

He sat quickly and waited to be told what to do. However the man was clearly trying to piss him off by taking as long as possible to finish whatever it was he was doing, leaving Harry fidgeting uncomfortably in the chair.

'We are going to be practicing occlumency three times a week from now on, due to your abysmal performance during the summer. The remaining two days you will be cleaning and organising my classroom. I would advise you to start eating Mr Potter, as malnutrition will not be beneficial for improving your occlumency...skills. Perhaps these detentions will be a reminder of why you should start being respectful. However I don't hold out much hope, disrespect seems to run in your family.' Snape sneered at him.

Harry remained passive. He didn't care what Snape said anymore; in fact, he didn't really care about anything apart from being high. However he was worried about the occlumency. If the git caught on to any of what had been happening the last three months he would no doubt get him kicked out of Hogwarts.

Seeming annoyed that Harry hadn't risen to the bait about his family, Snape hissed at him to stand up. Shakily he stood in front of the menacing man, who had his wand pointed directly in his face.

'Legilimens.'

His head exploded as memories surged to the forefront of his mind, enclosing him in a world of lights and colour. He really hated the way his own thoughts overpowered him. Harry tried to push boring everyday memories forward, but Snape was moving through his mind too quickly for him to have any control. _He's looking for something_. Panicking, he shoved the evasive force as hard as possible, and found himself panting on the ground, with his professor in a similar state but slumped against the desk instead.

'You still have not learnt how to block me; I had instant access to all your memories. It also took you far too long to throw me out. For someone who can apparently throw off the imperius curse, you would have thought there would have been some improvement Potter.' Snape sneered at him.

Harry didn't bother give the man an answer.

'Lets try again shall we, perhaps it will take you less than five minutes to do something this time.'

 _Fuck you Snape._

'Legilimens!'

Back and forth they went, With Snape only becoming more pissed off at him, as he made almost no improvement. Harry thought he'd managed to block him at one point, but Snape broke through his defences in seconds. Harry felt like the detention would never end, the mans' constant assaults on his mind exhausting him.

Snape was annoyed with many things in his life, but most of all with the skeletal sixteen year old in his office. He didn't understand how the boy could not improve in months, especially as he apparently could perform advanced magic. What was really irritating him was that he couldn't find any memories from the previous summer. He hadn't forgotten about the bruise on his jaw, the boy collapsed on the floor or his suspicion Potter had been drinking. He wanted to know what Potter was up to, not because he was interested in his life but as answers for himself and Dumbledore on Potters' odd behaviour. However the moment he had been within reach, the boy seemed to have realised what was happening and powerfully thrown him out, which had only raised Snape's suspicions more as to what the dolt was hiding.

Sighing, he decided to give up on the boy for the evening. 'Potter, back here tomorrow at seven. You will improve; I will not have this lack of effort for months on end. Now get out.'

The boy almost flew through the air at the speed he left the office, relief clear on his face. As soon as the door slammed shut Snape slumped into his chair, put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. Deep down he knew it was partly his fault, he wasn't teaching the boy properly. He certainly wasn't going to waste his time teaching him any more than he had to through; he'd give the boy a book to read.

With the thought that extra reading would surely annoy the boy, he strode into his rooms to try and forget how much worse his life had suddenly become.

As soon as Snape dismissed him Harry got out of the gloomy office as fast as he could. It was 9:30; meaning curfew had begun 30 minutes ago so everyone would be in the common room. Panting, he finally made it up to the tower. He'd grown weak over the summer, and the many flights of stairs had become a huge struggle for him. Quietly entering, he was slightly dismayed to see Ron and Hermione sitting in the common room, waiting for him.

'Harry! How was detention?' Hermione asked him worriedly.

'It was fine, we just practiced more occlumency. Anyway I need to go out for a bit, I'll see you later,' He made a move to walk away, but Hermione grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

'What do you mean go out? Harry it's past curfew, Ron and I aren't really meant to let you…' She stopped talking at the look on his face.

'Leave off him Hermione; he's been with Snape for hours! Just try not to get caught mate, we'll see you later.' Harry smiled gratefully at Ron and dashed upstairs.

He was going to need something stronger tonight, his anger was too much and his head was pounding. Grabbing a small bag of coke, he pulled off his robe and tie, putting a hoodie on over his shirt. Stuffing the coke inside the hoodie, he threw his invisibility cloak over himself and made his way back downstairs, not bothering to say bye to his friends. He needed his high now, and hours without a smoke had made him short tempered and fidgety. He took his usual route up to the astronomy tower; quietly making sure no one was around before he pulled off his cloak. Automatically putting a cigarette in his mouth, he pulled out the bag of coke and poured out a small amount on the back of his hand. He didn't really know what he was doing, but he was sure it would still have an effect on him. He needed to be inebriated, the thoughts of how unhappy he was banished from his mind, even if it was only temporary. Removing the cigarette from his mouth and clumsily snorting up the powder, he leaned back against the railings and waited for the high to kick in. He looked out across the lake, the inky darkness calming him. Although he hated being around Dumbledore and his other professors it was worth being back at Hogwarts for the tranquillity it gave him on nights like these. Harry relaxed his muscles as he felt his heartbeat begin to increase rapidly and the euphoric high blanket his emotions, leaving him in a state of pure relief.

He stayed in the tower for hours, looking out across the lake and the forest with a sense of happiness that he can only seem to be achieved with drugs. Only when the first slither of pale sunlight broke across the sky did he stand up to make his way back to the Gryffindor dorm. Shaking out his stiff legs and chucking his many cigarette butts over the railing, he pulled the cloak back over himself and stumbled back, his vision bleary and his small frame protesting about sitting out in the cold all night. He was hoping to get into the shower and sort himself out without anyone seeing, but of course he was Harry Potter, so no such luck. Instead Ron and Hermione were sitting in the common room, both of them with anxious looks on their faces. As soon as he stumbled through the portrait, they were both on their feet and marching towards him.

'Where on earth have you been Harry! We've barely slept all night for worrying about you, we'd thought something awful had happened!' Hermione practically yelled at him.

'I've just been out alright! Why are you two always on my case, I just needed some time to myself.' Harry answered defensively. He was feeling wrecked from his comedown and this was the last thing he needed.

'Except that's pretty much all you do these days, go and spend time alone God knows where! We're your mates, why don't you want to hang around with us anymore? You can't go leaving us worried like this; it's not exactly your normal behaviour to stay out all night! Where were you anyway?' Ron ranted at him.

Harry shrugged. 'Like I said I was just thinking some things over, and I got distracted. You guys don't need to worry about me, I'm able to look after myself, and it's not like anything bad is going to happen in Hogwarts.' He lied smoothly.

This seemed to placate Ron, but Hermione wasn't as easily pleased. 'Harry you're looking even worse than you did on the first day! Your pupils are dilated and you seemed unsteady. Are you ill? Is that why you seem to be getting thinner?'

He pushed down the wave of panic, forcing himself to act like he was in control of the situation. 'Hermione honestly, I'm fine. It got slightly cold and I was sitting down, and look...I'm still dealing with losing Sirius, and sometimes I just need to be on my own to try and come to terms with it and everything. Just let me breathe, please.' Harry felt a pang of guilt for using his Godfather as a way to get Hermione off his back but he knew it would work.

Hermione's face softened considerably. 'Oh Harry...of course we understand, and you know you can talk to us about anything. Just if you're going to go out like that again let us know so we don't worry.'

He forced a smile on his face. 'Of course 'Mione. I'm going to go take a shower, I'll see you guys in a bit.'

He rushed upstairs and pushed his cloak back into his trunk, thankful to be away from Ron and Hermione's interrogation. Thankfully it was still early, and the rest of his dorm was still fast asleep. Walking into the bathroom, he was surprised that his friends hadn't pressed him on his appearance. Obviously snorting coke all night had not improved his looks at all, as he stared into the reflection of a boy with dilated yet dead eyes, hollowed cheeks, sallow skin and tangled hair. He could even see a thin crust of coke around his nostrils, which was a testament to his obvious amateurism. Sighing, he stepped into the stream of hot water, letting it wake him up and try to distract him from the horrible comedown he was feeling, which was leaving his body feeling tired and worn down. And he had lessons all day. Fuck.

Hearing other boys stirring, Harry made his way back to his room. Ron was changing into his uniform, and the other boys were also attempting to get up. Harry bent over his trunk to pull out his last remaining shirts that didn't reek of fags. He realised he had got through a whole pack last night, and as he made to pull it out of the carton he found the packets of ecstasy that Malcolm had given him. Harry considered for a moment. It would wake him and get rid of his comedown, but then again he knew his friends would be concerned when he became far too excited for no apparent reason. Reminding himself that he had plenty of other opportunities to try it out, he shoved his cigarettes in his robe pocket and followed the rest of the Gryffindors down to breakfast.

The first thing Snape noticed when Potter stumbled his way into the Great Hall was how much worse he had looked since the last couple of days. Snape didn't even know a person could look that tired, and he was steadily losing any weight he had once had in his face. He had been used to seeing the boy over the summer as well, but this seemed to be even worse. He stopped himself mid thought. _The boy is not your responsibility_ , he scolded himself. But just as he was about to turn back to his breakfast Dumbledore caught his eye and gave him a grave look. Damn, he knew the meddling coot was telling him to talk to the boy again. His breakfast ruined, Snape swept out of the hall to go and prepare himself for another day of teaching the dunderheads and attempting to avoid Albus at all costs.

Harry picked slowly at his breakfast, the food feeling tasteless and stiff in his mouth. He had been contemplating how he was going to keep hiding his habits from his friends. No doubt if they found out about his little drug habit Dumbledore would be on his back constantly. After only managing half a piece of toast, the trio made their way to herbology. He didn't bother pay any attention during the class, even when he lost Gryffindor points for not realising Professor Sprout had asked him a question. He had rolled his eyes at that; he hadn't cared about house points since he was 12. Instead his thoughts went in a pattern of first thinking about how much he wanted a joint, secondly think about how he was going to have to spend another evening with Snape, and thirdly think about how that meant he would not be able to smoke said joint. _Fuck you Snape_.

The rest of the day dragged on in a similar fashion, with Harry mainly spending all his lessons thinking about how shitty coke comedowns were, how much he could do with not being sober, and how dull his lessons had become. At lunch he had only managed a few mouthfuls of soup and an apple, before having to go to double transfiguration. He always sat at the back of the room so his teachers wouldn't realise he wasn't bothering to write any notes. Harry was sure his classes hadn't been this dull last year, and he'd managed to pay attention even though the threat of Voldemort had terrified him. Finally he heard the bell go, and looking down realised he'd had no idea what they had even been learning today. He looked over to Hermione's notes, which were pages long. _Oh well, no doubt she'll let me borrow them._

As he headed towards the door he heard the severe voice of his head of house cut through the classroom. 'Potter, come here.'

He sighed deeply. He only had a few hours before detention started, and he didn't need it wasted by being told off by his teachers.

'Yes, Professor?' Harry asked as politely as he could manage.

'Potter, a reminder that you need to start organising Quidditch tryouts. If you are not going to bother listen in my lessons, at least put the intelligent brain of yours to another use. I know these last few months have been difficult and I'm prepared to let it go today, but you will need to start making an effort if you want to pass this year, do I make myself clear? Now, when are you able to hold the tryouts?' McGonagall asked him, her severe tone making his head pound more.

He had been unsure if he should join the team again, but McGonagall wasn't exactly giving him a choice. 'I have detention during the week, so it will have to be on a weekend at some point.' He replied, shrugging dismissively. He'd lost interest in everything lately, even Quidditch. It seemed rather stupid to him now, but he needed to get back in shape before the smoking and drugs took too much of a toll on his body.

'Very well Mr. Potter, I expect to see you take on this responsibility seriously. Now do try do some studying.' she said with a slight smile, dismissing him.

Harry walked out quickly, already planning how quickly he could get up the astronomy tower for his release. However before he could take one step towards his favourite spot, he realised Ron and Hermione were waiting for him.

'Harry, we thought we'd go to the library to get out some books for the transfiguration essay.' Hermione told him happily.

'Uh sure, let's go then.' Harry had no idea they'd even been set an essay; perhaps he should try and listen in class.

After spending his very limited free time attempting to write an essay about something he was clueless about and not having his joint, Harry was feeling more snappish than usual. He could do with a line, but the comedown was pissing him off and he knew he should probably hold off until he could find a way to get rid of it.

'Harry, are you ready to go to dinner? Your detention starts in half an hour too.' Hermione reminded him in what she probably thought was a friendly tone.

He had to use all his willpower to not scream at her that he fucking knew when his detention started. Instead he pretended he hadn't heard her and quickly left the common room with a group of fifth years so he wouldn't have to walk down with his friends. So much for them not tiptoeing round him, Ron had barely even spoken to him since the morning.

They joined him in the Great Hall five minutes later, where he had been sitting with his head down to try and avoid the pointed whispers and rumours that were still being spread about him. An awkward silence ensued between the three of them, with Harry barely picking at his meat or vegetables.

'Harry, please eat something. You haven't had a full meal since we've been back.' Hermione reminded him in a false sweet tone that attempted to hide her concern.

'I would eat if I was hungry.' he muttered back, barely glancing up from pushing food around his plate.

'Your diet is really important harry. You need lots of protein if you want to do well in Quidditch, and you need to increase your calorie intake to put some weight back on-'

'WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND I DON'T CARE! LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M SICK OF THIS.' He had snapped and yelled at Hermione in front of the entire school. But at this point his frustration and anger had reached its peak, and he was fed up of her overbearing behaviour. He stomped out of the hall, ignoring the hushed silence from the students and the concerned looks that passed between the teachers.


	12. Chapter 12

Harry stormed into the hallway, the anger radiating off him as he stomped outside into the cool evening air. He was positively fed up of being told what was best for him, and sick of his friends' overbearing behaviour. Why couldn't they just understand he wanted to be left alone with his grief, it wasn't like he deserved their friendship after almost getting them killed anyway. Ducking into some undergrowth, he had a quick smoke to calm his anger and wish once again that he didn't have detention with Snape. At least the greasy bat wouldn't be trying to remind him of humiliating memories tonight, which hopefully meant he was largely left alone with his thoughts and his shitty comedown that wasn't helping his mood in the slightest. Trudging back inside the castle, he weaved his way through the hoards of people that were now milling around the entrance and down into the dungeons, ignoring the hostile looks the Slytherins were throwing his way.

When he knocked and entered Snape's office the man didn't look up from his desk, and opted to instead just point at the large potions cupboard at the other end of the gloomy room.

'Label them alphabetically.'

Harry didn't bother reply; thankful the man had left him alone, and instead got to work as quickly as possible on ordering the potions. He was surprised that the man kept a potions store in his office, as he'd always assumed Snape had simply banished potions after marking them; however the potions seemed to be from students as he recognised most of them himself. The task was mundane but easy, however his tiredness was making him clumsy; he winced every time one of the glass bottles knocked against one another; if he broke a potion Snape would probably double his detentions. After an hour, Harry was only half way through sorting them and his feet were starting to ache. He wondered why the man would need so many of the same potions, but his professor wasn't looking to be in a chatty mood as per usual. Snape hadn't spoken once, and he was finding the silence unnerving, not to mention he felt like his whole head was filled with cotton wool. As he continued to stack the shelves, he peeked a glance up at his professor, relieved to see him busy marking students' work and paying him no attention. Although it was taking him an age to tidy the cupboard, at least he hadn't noticed Harry was looking like death from his drug binge the night before. As he continued to idly sift through the small glass bottles, one potion in particular caught his eye. It was only a simple pepper up, but on the small label it read: ' _A potion that cures the symptoms of a common cold_ '. Just what he needed to get rid of his dreadful comedown. Shifting himself slightly and checking Snape was still engrossed in his work, Harry quickly slipped a bottle into his robes, praying that Snape wouldn't notice the depletion in his store.

Harry almost fell over in surprise when the man's deep voice cut across the dismal office. 'You can leave. Be back here the same time tomorrow. As I cannot bear to witness another lesson of your pathetically monotonous memories, you're being set occlumency homework henceforth. Read the first chapter by tomorrow. Now out.'

Harry scarpered out of the dreary office before he had time to open his mouth and complain about the work he'd been given. Snape was such a git to give him homework when it wasn't even a subject, but he obviously got pleasure out of seeing him suffer. As he hurried through the corridors out of the dungeons, he decided to go outside tonight for a change. He was still furious at Ron and Hermione and wasn't ready to face them before having some time to himself to calm down. As he stared up at the sky he couldn't help but think of Sirius when he saw his star. He knew his recent behaviour was because of the overwhelming guilt and anguish that he felt towards losing the one person who had felt like a family of his own. He hated how his brain constantly went over what happened that night; everything he could have done differently. He could feel the raw grief inside him, threatening huge racking sobs to escape his body. He forced the emotions down; he wasn't ready to let himself feel that pain, admit to himself just how much he had fucked up. Instead he was choosing to mask any sense of what happened through taking drugs and risking what little he had left in his life. Harry felt like he was running out of time; he knew for now he could keep a hold of his emotions, but before long something would push him over the edge and everything he had bottled up would be released, something that could lead to even worse consequences. Why was life so painful for him; what had he done to deserve this? As he numbly smoked as he stared across the grounds, he couldn't help but feel as if he didn't even deserve to live anymore; he felt as bleak and empty as the darkness that was surrounding him. He looked over to Hagrid's house; yet another person whom he had pushed away from him. He wasn't surprised that Hagrid hadn't even bother come and find him since he'd been back at Hogwarts. No doubt he was disgusted at him for what he'd done, and he'd probably never want to talk to Harry ever again. He inhaled deeply, savouring the feeling in his lungs and how it focused his mind away from the pain and self-hatred he felt. Before he found himself getting too emotional, he turned and headed back to the common room, knowing he'd have to face his friends at some point. Hopefully they'd have gone to bed with any luck, perhaps having finally realised he wasn't worthy of being their friend anymore.

The corridors were predictably empty, with the curfew having started over an hour ago. He felt very insignificant in the wide eerie hallways, his small and shivering frame being overshadowed by the towering portraits and suits of armour. As he entered the common room there was still a few groups of people hanging around, and he spotted Ron and Hermione having what looked like a deep conversation, both of them talking furiously. Thankfully they hadn't seen him enter and he hurried up to the dorm, the feeling of despair still feeling heavy and suffocating in his chest. He pulled the curtains round his bed and grabbed a bottle of vodka out of his trunk, wanting to knock himself out as soon as possible and fall into a sleep that wasn't full of dreams that constantly plagued him. After 20 minutes of necking straight from the bottle his vision became hazy and he felt as if he was spinning into oblivion; he knew unconsciousness would claim him soon. Sure enough less than 5 minutes later his thin and tired body gave up on him, and he collapsed on his bed with his alcohol bottle for company.

When he awoke the next morning the sun was starting to rise above the horizon, filling the room with a soft glow. He padded out of bed and made his way into the bathroom, relieved to be the first person up. He felt anxious when he was around his peers; even more like an outsider. He had a quick shower and pulled on his scruffy uniform, sighing at how his weight loss had made him look swamped in it. Losing consciousness hadn't done much to refresh him but at least his comedown had gone, giving him some free time to read the book Snape had forced upon him. He was rapidly losing interest in everything that required effort or responsibility, but he knew occlumency was too important to not try at. After spending the first hour of his morning reading, Harry was surprised by how much more sense it suddenly made. Snape usually yelled the same command to him repeatedly during their lessons, but reading the book gave him a whole other perspective and a new enthusiasm for learning to protect his mind. There was still an hour before breakfast and Harry decided to head over to the astronomy tower for a quick pick me up, not wanting to face the awkwardness with Ron when he woke up. As he smoked his way through a joint, he contemplated how much he had changed over the last few months. What had started out as an occasional cigarette was now a daily necessity for some sort of poison; now here he was smoking weed before school. However he just couldn't find any reason to care, if he was happy like this he deserved that. As the weed took an effect on him he found himself smiling blissfully, all worries etched from his mind. He wondered calmly down to the Great Hall for breakfast, a dopey grin upon his face. As he walked past Malfoy into the hall he noticed the blonde gaping at him, then turning around to laugh with his Slytherin gang. Unable to care, he instead serenely wandered over to Ron and Hermione, giving them a goofy smile before he started piling food on his plate, missing the look of shock that had passed between them.

'Erm...you alright there Harry?' Ron asked him slowly.

Harry was midway between shoving a piece of toast into his mouth, and looked up in surprise when Ron spoke. 'Yes of course, I'm brilliant in fact. Really hungry too, wow.'

'About what happened yesterday...I'm sorry if we...-' Hermione faltered from the look Ron gave her. 'I mean I, came across too strong. But we care about you a lot; it's difficult not to sometimes. But I'll stop nagging you about eating and going out, I understand it takes time to deal with things.'

Harry gave Hermione a grin. 'Yeah of course! Wow I feel like today is going to be a great day. What do we have first?'

Ron gave him a bewildered look. 'I wouldn't be so sure mate, we have double potions.'

'Great, I can't wait, let's go!' Harry almost ran out of the Hall, leaving behind confused students and his shocked friends.

The day passed uneventfully, with Harry's high wearing off during potions, making him cringe at what he'd said over breakfast and equally thankful his friends had practically no idea what drugs were. Talk about him being obvious earlier, he'd have to start being more careful; he'd noticed Snape looking at him. He managed to get through the day sober even after he heard Malfoy whispering loudly in transfiguration that the golden boy had finally cracked. After his lessons finished he went back to the common room with Ron and Hermione and they absorbed him in his schoolwork and talk of Quidditch and Hogsmeade, managing to take his mind off any negative thoughts. It was like they were back to how they were years ago, laughing and joking and in blissful ignorance. However Harry found that his detention crept up on him far too soon, and soon enough he was walking down to the dungeons, feeling slightly more positive now that he had some idea of what he was meant to be doing, he knocked confidently on the door.

'Enter.' Snape hissed.

Harry pushed open the door quietly and stepped into the draughty, drab room.

'Did you read the first chapter Potter?' Snape asked him, gliding towards him menacingly.

'Yes Sir.'

The professor gave him a cold stare. 'I guess we'll see now, won't we Potter?'

Harry pushed down his anxiety and stared directly at Snape, willing himself to block the attack he knew was about to strike him.

'Legilimens.'

As he felt the familiar presence enter his mind, he forced himself to remain calm and remember what he had read to do. He imagined himself staring across a formidable ocean, focusing on each wave, imaging it never ending. He could feel Snape trying to push through the block and release the memories underneath, but Harry refused to think about anything other than the image in his mind, blocking out all emotions, almost as if he become part of the picture himself. He was surprised by how effectively it was working. Although Snape had told him to block out his emotions before, he had never told him how to replace his thoughts with another focus. Harry supposed it was similar as to when he had flooded Voldemort's mind with feelings of love and friendship; he wasn't blocking him out exactly, but he was in control of what he was allowing to be seen.

He felt Snape withdraw from his mind, where he found they had also both managed to stay upright and Harry still felt calm. Snape was observing him with an almost scrutinising look on his face.

'Slightly better Potter, let us be grateful that you've finally stopped being lazy in these lessons and are making an attempt at learning something; Perhaps if you started doing homework in other classes you'd have a similar result.'

Harry had to restrain from rolling his eyes at the backhanded compliment. _Oh well, probably the best you'll get from him._

'Again, Potter. Attempt to have a stronger block against me. Whilst using an image is effective against weaker attempts to penetrate your mind and when you are prepared, if the Dark Lord gains control when you are not prepared or have emotions near the surface of your thoughts he will be able have complete access. Legilimens!'

Snape continued to attack his mind with more force, attempting to tease out some sort of feeling or memory to make him crack. Harry was getting better at resisting Snape's attempts and was able to push aside memories, but Snape was still managing to break Harry's concentration half of the time. When they finished the lesson, instead of feeling angry and frustrated like he usually did, he felt relieved and motivated. He left the dungeons with a smile on his face, deciding to head straight up to the tower for a bit. However before he could get far he ran into one of his least favourite people, Malfoy.

'You alright there Potty? Care to explain what you're doing creeping around where you aren't wanted?'

Harry couldn't be bothered with Malfoy when he was feeling positive for once. 'Fuck off Malfoy, stop putting your ugly face where it isn't wanted.'

'Ugly? Ha, you must truly have lost it after your dog died. Walking round trying to look like a muggle and acting loopy, you want to watch it Potter, I bet the Ministry wants any excuse to lock you up,' Malfoy sneered at him.

Harry could feel the blood roaring in his ears and he had to resist the urge to hex him. 'Go fuck yourself.' He growled, stomping off towards the top of the castle. He was fuming at himself for his slip up this morning, what was he thinking walking around in front of the entire school when he was fucked? Just because no one would realise it was drugs, if Malfoy was noticing his different behaviour he couldn't risk Dumbledore dragging him into his office for an interrogation. It was like an invisible force; every time he tried to stay away from his drugs something new happened in his life and it was his only coping mechanism. Harry groaned loudly as he looked across the night sky. Why was everything always so complicated?

Snape was mulling over Potters lesson as he tidied his office. The boy did have a good mind when he used it, Severus did not deny that. However he couldn't help but feel Potter was holding back slightly and not using his full strength. He didn't believe it was laziness, although he'd never admit that to a soul. Irritated that he couldn't work out what game the boy was playing, he resolved to pay more attention to delving into his thoughts, even if it was slightly unethical. Snape was certain there was something deeper hidden there; he could sense the boys' unease every time he was present in his mind.

The next few days had passed in a blur for Harry. To try and keep his friends off his back he had settled into a routine of keeping his head down during class and instead rush up to his favourite spot after his never ending detentions. He was managing to block Snape out more frequently; all his incriminating memories were enough motivation to make him work hard.

After a quiet dinner with Ron and Hermione where he pretended to be interested in Hermione's chatter of her latest book, he trudged off for his final detention of the week. From the moment he stepped into the office he could tell something was different. Usually Snape was sitting behind his desk and Harry had to wait awkwardly for him to finish whatever it was he was doing; today Snape was standing in the centre of his office, his towering frame made to look even more menacing with the way the dim candlelight danced off his stature. When Snape spoke again it made Harry jump slightly; his deep voice reverberated off the stone walls.

'Draw your wand, Potter. Ready? _Legilimens_ ,' he hissed.

As Harry once again entered the depths of his mind he immediately started focusing on his barrier, working quickly to block Snape out. However his professor had been pushing through his mind at a quicker pace than he was used to, and had managed to break through his defence before he had time to strengthen it.

 _Shit._ He was back with his familiar task of having to use raw emotion to remove Snape before anything incriminating was seen by him. However as the seconds ticked on by he found that he was unable to expel the older man; Snape had a tight grip on his thoughts and was probing deeper and deeper; Harry could do nothing but panic helplessly as various memories from the past were grabbed on to and tossed aside as the man kept searching. Suddenly, the Gryffindor realised what he was looking for. He wanted to know why he'd changed so much; he wanted to know what had happened over the summer. Sick realisation had dawned on Harry that as he'd realised what Snape wanted, all the memories had sharpened in his mind, making them readily available for his intruder. As a memory of him sitting outside in the park swigging from a large bottle of vodka played out in his mind, he managed to catch Snape at a weak point and force him away from his mind.

As they both re-emerged back into the office, neither boy nor man knew what to say to one another. Harry felt nauseous by the fact Snape had invaded his privacy and tricked him into showing his private thoughts; it dawned on him that Dumbledore was obviously using the lessons as a way for him and Snape to find out what he'd been up to. If he hadn't managed to kick the man out when he did, he would have been in a lot more trouble. He thanked God that the memory Snape had seen had been a light one only soon after all this had happened; he hadn't started to look ill yet. Soon after the relief that he couldn't be punished for what was seen, came the anger of having his trust misused like that. As he raised his head to start yelling at Snape, it quickly died in his throat when he saw the look the potions professor was giving him; like a predator about to devour prey.

'Well well Mr Potter, that was certainly...enlightening.' Snape threw him a dark look that gave nothing away.

'Care to explain what exactly was happening in that captivating scene Potter?'

 _He had no right to do that, do not act like you've done anything wrong._ 'It was just a memory from the summer professor, hardly a big deal,' Harry replied through gritted teeth.

'How impressive. The golden boy clearly believes he is not only about school rules, but also Ministry rules. So come on then Mr Potter, what was the attention seeking reason behind this new development? Did you want to make sure Dumbledore was giving you his undivided attention, along with the rest of your peers in order to increase your notoriety? Or was this in fact just another example of your self pitying behaviour, wanting to make yourself look ruinous to gain sympathy?'

There was a deathly silence that followed. Harry could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He thought he would be able to get off lightly, but he was suddenly terrified Snape would force himself into the rest of his incriminating memories. Before he could say anything however, Snape continued in his same deathly whisper.

'Your behaviour disgusts me Potter. You once again decide that you're too important to follow rules and risk your life that for some illogical reason people try to protect by getting intoxicated in a park. Your selfishness and idiocy is clearly far worse than I thought. Even though I was forced to give up half of my summer to attempt to teach you occlumency clearly didn't matter to you when you were too drunk to even stand during half of the lessons. Obviously I've only just broken the surface to what must be some truly fascinating events. Do not think for one second that I will forget about what I've witnessed. Now get out you idiotic and revolting child!'

Harry had unfortunately known Snape long enough to know that if he attempted to argue back he wouldn't like the consequences. As he made to dart past the man so he could go and deal with the rage he was feeling a cold, gangly hand grabbed his shirt and pulled him round.

'And Potter, if I get any inkling that you have continued that or any other vile and illegal behaviour inside this school I will personally ensure your expulsion.' The black orbs stared into the green before he was shoved aggressively towards the door.

 _Holy shit._ He had to get out of there fast. He sprinted towards the tower, his heartbeat pounding in his chest with adrenaline and anger. In that final moment when Snape had stared right through his soul Harry had never been more terrified.

A/N: Hello again everyone! Firstly I'd like to apologise for how long this has taken me to write. I recently had my final exams as I finished school this year and they only finished last month, and then I've been away a couple of times since then. I now have no commitments until the end of September so I will be able to dedicate my whole summer to writing this. Secondly, I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! Sorry if I got any of the occlumency info wrong and I know some of it isn't very good, I started writing this in May during exams so some parts may come across slightly rushed but I wanted to finish this. Finally, please leave me a review! Even a few words make me so happy, and I really want to know what kind of direction to take this story in. Thank you!


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